No TV and no beer make Homer something something!

I've moved

2008-08-22T10:43:00.001+02:00

Check out the hottest new site on the internet*:

www.craigmcloughlin.com

*It's not that good really so don't be too disappointed

To the manufacturers of inkjet printers worldwide...

2008-05-26T21:12:00.005+02:00

...when I'm Master of the Universe, there will be a special place reserved for the lot ofyou in the Ninth Circle of Hell.

You shit me to tears and you can all go and fuck yourselves!!!!

Updated later...

Seriously, you arseholes have really made the list!!!!!!!!

Brrr! It's bloody ridiculous weather here!

2007-12-04T05:50:00.000+01:00

I'm on the world's longest business trip here in Canada.

Thankfully, I have a good colleague and friend to pass the time with. Here you can see him making our vehicle driveable tonight after we finished work.

As if that wasn't bad enough, this morning I had to dig the car out of the car park or we would have been late. Apparently, they don't do snowploughs the way we're used to them in the Village of the Damned.

We've had a fun two weeks but I'll be very glad to get home from my (hopefully) last trip of the year.*

*This year I have flown over 130'000 miles and there are still two flights, worth about 15'000 miles, to be added.

Stolen music meme from Ms. Mac

2007-12-02T05:14:00.000+01:00

Seen on the Frau's blog.

The Soundtrack of my Life!
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool ...

Opening Credits - Express Yourself - Madonna

Waking Up - Something to Talk About - Badly Drawn Boy (Normally true)

First Day at School - Little by Little - Oasis

Falling in Love - Wild Wild Life - Talking Heads (It really is.)

Fight Song - Choir Girl - Cold Chisel

Breaking Up - This is your Life - Dust Brothers and Tyler Durden (No Way!!!)

School Ball - It Began in Afrika - Chemical Brothers

Life is Good - Fixing My Brain - Brad Sucks (Awesome Song)

Mental Breakdown - Khe Sanh - Cold Chisel (This should be swapped with the one above)

Driving - Child in the Tree -The Young Gods (Same band as Ms. Mac's driving song - spooky)

Getting Back Together - True Love Way - Kings of Leon

Wedding - Surface to Air - Chemical Brothers

Paying the Dues - Merry Go Round - Cold Chisel

The Night Before the War - Shipyards of New Zealand - Midnight Oil

Final Battle - Pace It - Magic Dirt

Moment of Triumph - Star Guitar - Chemical Brothers

Death Scene - Ceremony - New Order (this is perfect - it must be playing at my death scene)

Funeral Song - Burning Down the House - Talking Heads (I fucking will be too!)

End Credits - Time to Take Out the Trash - Brad Sucks

In conclusion: Go on, you do this bit!

Excuse me, I've just vomitted in my own lap.

2007-07-08T13:07:00.000+02:00

I love Formula 1 racing. It is my absolute favourite spectator sport and the success that my team McLaren are having this year is great to watch.

I think that the progress of Lewis Hamilton has been nothing short of phenomenal, but we mustn't forget that he has been a McLaren "employee / driver" since he was 11 years old.

Despite the brilliance of him and this year's McLaren, I can't believe how badly ITV are ruining his success for me. They spend the entire broadcast moaning orgasmically about everything he has ever done, is doing or ever will do. The Lewis Hamilton Love Fest this week is from Silverstone so this is his "home" GP. The queue to blow him starts somewhere around Milton Keynes and is composed entirely of ITV on-air "talent".

Poor old Jense and his old man John. Once the darling of ITV and the true love of James Allen and Jim Rosenthal, they now spend every race weekend in this clapped out caravan, which ironically, even on bricks is faster than this year's Honda,

Thankfully the old slapper Louise Goodman is still squeezing her thighs together every time she shoves a microphone in Jenson's face. I think she secretly wants to come over to Jenson's caravan and warm his beans for him but mustn't deviate from the ITV LHLF regulations.

So that's what we have been doing wrong.

2007-07-01T16:18:00.000+02:00

A Doctor finally tells the truth in this interview:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Phew!!!

2007-05-02T12:48:00.000+02:00

Ms. Mac just took this test and challenged others to do the same. I don't think I did too badly, since I got 25/25 in the test.

Better check for yourself if you're smarter than me.*

*Obviously, this will be impossible since I got 25/25, but you can dream.

Response Teams - Move In! Now! Now! Now!

2007-04-10T22:04:00.000+02:00

The scene is a picturesque balcony on a sunny Tuesday evening.

Two parents are quietly unwinding after a day of work and internet surfing (you decide which parent did what) when a 10 year old boy holds up a corked, but empty wine bottle.

"Mum, can I have some wine?" he says, not realising that the bottle is empty.

"No darling, there isn't another bottle open at the moment."

At this point, the Child Protective Unit - Bad Parental Response Team abseiled onto themfrom the balcony above and the offending parents were promptly huckled and set dahn.

The End.

Frankly, I'm surprised!

2007-03-14T13:27:00.000+01:00

I had 5-8 minutes to kill so I did a Nerd Test to really build up some self esteem.

Seems that I am not as much of a geek as I would have thought. I think that the Linux PCs and the graphical calculator which uses RPN for the input helped to up my score.

Try it for yourself and let me know how you get on.

Who needs Windows Vista???

2007-02-28T19:50:00.000+01:00

What would you do if someone asked you for CHF 3'699 for a kick-ass flat screen TV / PC and this is what they use as the advertising / recommendation?

Personally, I can't imagine what the benefit would be of shelling out all that cash when I can just go to the local second hand store and pick up something that displays this screen for about $20 bucks!

Needless to say, when I saw this on the screen at the local store, I simply had to take a pic. I guess it is all part of my "Windows is shit, want me to convert your PC to Linux" campaign.

So, do you want me to?

My 2D desktop

My 3D desktop thanks to Beryl

*I realise that the device in the first pic has Windows Media Centre but you get the idea, right?

A last hurrah?

2007-02-24T16:09:00.000+01:00

It seems like Mr. Winter has decided that he's not finished with us yet. This was taken from the door to the balcony 30 minutes ago. There was no way I was going out there! I hate frozen rain - it hurts when it falls on you.

In other news, Scotland are being absolutely pasted by Italy in the Six Nations: 21 - Nil after 10 minutes!!! Glad I didn't buy a ticket for Murrayfield for this game.

Television Without Pity: 24 - Season 6 Edition

2007-02-22T18:34:00.000+01:00

At the outset I want to say that I watch 24. I won't go so far as to say I enjoy it. I think that it is more of a fine line between pleasure and pain thing. Ms. Mac and I watched the first season in a weekend and we have been pretty much consuming them ever since. The first one was extremely enjoyable. Later seasons - not so much.

But if it's so bad, why do you watch it Mr. Mac? Good question and I'm glad you asked!

You see, for me, 24 is a kind of rite of passage. I do actually enjoy the program, but I find myself going "Pffftt!!" more and more as the producers deviate from any semblance of reality or plausability.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Ok, so Jack has been held prisoner by the Chinese for the last 20 months and he gets rescued by the President for a mission. A special mission. In fact the mission is to be a sacrificial lamb a la St. Jesus (generally acknowledged to be the most famous of all the saints). Hence the outfit and visage that you see on the left. Hmm, it is starting to seem far-fetched already.

To make things worse, they prepared an area for him to get cleaned up inside the 453rd abandoned hangar that the series has used - they really have a lot of hangar space available in L.A - and it is curtained off like a scene from The English Patient! Honestly, right down to the chipped enamel bowl for him to shcave with and the old-school hospital curtain/screen things.

Cut to the Oval Office, and the President is none other than Wayne Palmer!?!?!?! Puhhleaze. I was really hoping that they would have come up with someone more plausible but I digress. He's the President and we better get used to it.

Anyway lot's of things happen between 06:00 and 07:00 that really do beggar belief. I won't bore you with a synopsis but instead will give you some of the funny comments / observations that were made during its viewing.

1. To be a successful terrorist, you must have a LOT of computers! Every bad guy is hooked up in some sort of computer den with multiple screens and racks of servers but only ever one keyboard and never a mouse! Plus, they prefer to use predominantly green text and graphics on their screens. They never seem to set up a sweet desktop wallpaper and some cool icons - they don't seem that 1337 to me. According to Ms. Mac, all terrorists are geeks. Ergo, all geeks are terrorists

2. Only losers use a mouse! Whether you're a terrorist or a top CTU agent, the mouse is your enemy. From redirecting some satellite coverage to establishing a protocol, it's all done with just the keyboard. What's more, you will never pwn the USA unless you can type sans mistakes.

3. When an inspector asks for your ticket, tell him about a bomb on the train and that you're a federal agent. Ms. Mac said that she would be saying that next time her and Antipo are kontrolliert on the S-Bahn - should be interesting. I'll just get ready to pay the CHF 80 and be done with it.

4. How stupid do the producers think we are. As a self-confessed computer geek, the premise of 24 seems highly interesting. Use of technology for exciting purposes like counter terrorist actions - sounds awesome right? Except that they have the most unbelievable user interfaces and ridiculously advanced capabilities. Also, they always have to write scripts for everything that they do. It all comes back to point 2 - you'll never beat Osama if you're using a mouse.

5. What is wrong with Chloe?? I am going to invent a new drinking game whereby you have to take a shot every time she puts on that stupid duck-faced scowl. You'll be smashed before minute 34 of any episode - might make some of the things more plausible though - must try it with the next ep.

Anyway, I could ramble for hours here about the program and its flaws. Ask Ms. Mac how many times per episode I roll my eyes or tut at something they have done, yet, despite the lack of credibility of the program, I will still be sitting down to watch the next episode as soon as it is ready.

My name is Mr. Mac and I'm addicted to 24...

Would somebody please slow this thing down!

2007-02-06T08:36:00.000+01:00

It would appear that I have reached another milestone in my relationship with the ever charming Ms. Mac.

16 years ago today, a child bride was mail-ordered to me from heaven.*

Happy Anniversary baby, got you on my mind...**

*That is totally meant to make you sick.
** I want song title and artist.

How did I ever manage?

2007-02-02T19:30:00.000+01:00

These here internets are gettin' to be pretty much integral to everybody's life, right? I use it for as much as I can seeing as human interaction is so 20th century.

The question in the title refers to how I ever managed when all I had was 33.6kbps dial-up internet. We have gotten so used to having broadband that the very thought of dial-up at even 56kbps makes me feel sick.

We just got an upgrade with Cablecom to 10Mbps which is blazingly fast (we had 5Mbps and I thought that was quick) and it's CHF10 per month cheaper than my old plan - bonus. The best thing though is that there are never any download limits so I can have a lot of "traffic" over my connection and not have to worry.

Check this out for speedy

Try your connection and tell me how fast yours is.

The Macs Leap into the 21st Century

2007-01-31T21:24:00.000+01:00

Well it is all happening here at the Chateau! In our never ending quest for the cheapest solution to our English TV needs we have decided to cancel our Sky subscription. I was resistant for a long time because I wanted to keep the channels that we had despite the fact that we never seem to be able to find anything to watch and seem to be on the same channels all the time. It cost £21 a month and there was nothing on it!

Plus, I absolutely resent the fact that I pay a subscription to be shown ads!!! What a fuckin' liberty!!!

Anyway, we canceled Sky and will now just get the free to air channels. No biggie. The big deal here is that we just grabbed the new Cablecom Digital TV Recorder package! It is totally awesome because it now has BBC1, BBC2, ITV1, ITV2 and Film4. The BBC channels and the ITV channels could never be watched because the satellite signal dropped out if there were any clouds in the sky (but all the other Sky channels worked). So I could never seem to watch my beloved Formula 1 on ITV or Top Gear on BBC2. We also missed a load of Masterchef and University Challenge.

We'll miss them no more! I am very impressed so far. Especially that we have got TWO tuners so we can record Never Mind the Buzzcocks and Corrie at the same time!!

If you need us, we'll be watching telly.

Trying to be evil.

2007-01-29T23:41:00.001+01:00

Today, my miraculous record for finding awesome mobile telephones was augmented by the addition of a Nokia 9300 Personal Communicator (CHF 999 rrp) to my list.*

I got onto my train at 7am this morning and sat in my seat waiting for the train to depart. Normailly, I put my head down and read my book and listen to my iPod, but the seat that I wanted today was slow to be evacuated so I was still too busy huffing about the stupid slow bitch who wouldn't move.

I have always said that huffing is my way of coping with the world. Truly, the anger that builds up inside me over trivial things is ridiculous. However, I don't really get too bothered by big stuff so it balances out. Anyway, thanks to the huffing, I spied said mobile phone on the other seat/table-y thing and nabbed it.

Immediately, I thought of how I could get this phone back to its rightful owner, but was worried about having to go through the whole speaking in Swiss German on the telephone to a stranger blah blah thing. Instead, I tried to ascertain if the persons details were inside the address book or messages. I did find the number of their home and called when I got to the office. Then I called her husband and told him I had the phone so he arranged for them to pick it up tonight. Coolio.

The thing is, when I showed it to my colleague and said, look what I found, his immediate response was "That's an awesome phone! You're keeping it right?" I thought to myself "Shit, in Australia, I would have had the other SIM card out and thrown off a freeway bridge** and mine in there before the other person even knew they'd lost it."

Somehow, my first reaction was to try to find the person so my karma must be going up.

Until, that is, I went through the messages*** (it's ok, this is the internet - nothing's true) and found out that the owner of the phone gives her husband good blow jobs and likes analbümsä (anal sex)!!! Wa-hey, things are getting interesting. I can't wait to see this chick when she picks up the phone. Immediately on the phone to Ms. Mac and we had a little chuckle over the peek into someone else's boudoir.

Fast forward to tonight. Round these parts, it is customary to pay a finder's fee to people who return your shit to you, so I was quite looking forward to seeing how much this chick valued her phone. When the buzzer rang, I nearly ripped the door off its hinges because I was dying to know a) what the sexy / dirty chick who owned the phone looked like and b) how much Finderlohn I was gonna get.

Let me say that I have never been more disappointed to have someone put CHF 50 in my hand in my life!!! The old lady (she was past 50 - and that's too old for anal action in my books) was skinny and bespectacled and not anything like the hot sexy bitch I was hoping to see.

Moral of the story: 50 Francs or not, don't get too invested in the owners of Nokia 9300 phones. They're not as hot as their SMSes would have you believe.

*Also found a Motorola flip phone when they were small and awesome!
** Didn't give it back - actually did this with their SIM, used it for a year and a half then sold it to Cash Converters for $80 - I'm burnin' baby, I'm burnin'!
*** The good / evil balance is restored

I watched some men doing it...

2007-01-29T09:39:00.000+01:00

...and it didn't affect me in ANY way.

That's right, Ms. Mac and I just watched the new film Shortbus by John Cameron Mitchell. It was not so much of an action / adventure (although there was plenty of "action") as a human interest / charcter development piece. Despite this not being my genre, I enjoyed the film a lot.

Obviously, the main point of controversy about this film is the explicit (I prefer to use the term "actual") sex scenes. Since the film revolves around the sexuality of the characters, there is a lot of it going on. I already knew that the actors had real sex in the film but I was still surprised at the graphic scenes. Unfortunately, the straight boys among us were left out a little bit since the raunchiest scenes were of the Gays and their fun-loving antics. I'll never hear the Star Spangled Banner in the same way again.

I enjoyed the film and am glad I watched it. I also feel relieved to report that it didn't move - which was nice.

More money than sense!

2007-01-12T09:20:00.000+01:00

I just read on The Age that Paris Hilton was paid A$5 Mil. to fly down to Australia and launch a new beer called Bondi Blonde. John Singleton should be boiled in oil for that idea - trouble is, he probably wouldn't feel it!

Further to this, we (I say we, but it was they since I don't live there anymore) also had to endure the presence of another walking STD - Tara Reid - who was shipped in to add some "glamour" to a horse racing carnival in Brisbane???

It's no secret that I find these two creatures repugnant. What troubles me most is that as a society, we have become so obsessed by the cult of celebrity that we feel that we aren't complete until we throw a self-absorbed slut or two into the mix to "glam up" the proceedings.*

I don't want to get started on this because it just makes me spiral everytime I think about it but I can't help myself. Is it the "celebrities" I hate or society for lauding such dubious achievements of being born to wealthy parents whilst giving the worst blow job in the history of oral sex and being so bombed on the red carpet that your Franken-nipple showed and you didn't even know it?

I read on Wikipedia that Paris Hilton was going to be in the 2007 Guiness Book of records as the World's Most Overrated Celebrity - someone might be onto something here.

I have to stop now or I am going to have an aneurism.

*Don't get me wrong. Self-absorbed sluts are the perfect gift for a loved one or friend.

A Christmas Miracle of My Own

2006-12-21T15:51:00.000+01:00

Hurrah! He lives! Rising like Lazarus, I thought that I would make a post on this seemingly defunct blog. There isn't anything to say, just been insanely busy / lazy and haven't really been bothered to blog.

So there you go. I am still in the game and might even be tempted to resume a semi-normal service in the new year (don't hold your breath but don't write me off either.).

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Live Blogging from the Chateau Mac BB7 Eviction

2006-08-18T22:09:00.000+02:00

Overheard from one crazy-haired viewer:
"If Aisleyne beats Glynn there is something seriously wrong with the British public and I'm never watching Big Brother again!!!"

One can but dream...

--Updated Later--

Aisleyne was evicted third. Now time to endure the vomit-inducing love parade for Pete. *Yawns*

Now for something completely new...

2006-08-03T21:44:00.000+02:00

I have been toying with a new Linux distribution tonight and I have to say, it has blown my mind!

How could this be Mr. Mac? I thought you were devoted to Ubuntu and thought that it was the best thing since sliced bread?

Yes that's true but tonight I inserted yet another Live CD into my PC and booted into PCLinuxOS. What a great distribution. With the entire operating system running from one little old CD ROM, I have a completely capable PC running as stable as any Linux distro I've tried (and believe me, I've tried a lot of 'em!).

Full network functionality including browsing all the other PCs on our home network, video and sound playback (no DVD playback without installing the appropriate library - it tells you how when you install it.), full internet capability, an office suite and it even detected the printer and scanner on the first go.

Here is a screenshot for you to see what it looks like.

It is bloody great!!! Although, in the screen shot, you can't actually see that I was watching a video streamed from Patrick's PC onto mine.

Give it a try and see for yourself. Make sure that you get the one optimised for your graphics card too. There is a version for Nvidia cards, ATI cards and also a plain-jane version that will work with all cards. With the optimised versions, you'll get 3D acceleration out of the box which is rare with Linux. Especially if you have an ATI video card.

Mr. Mac Ease of Use / Wow Factor rating: 10 / 10

ps. This post including the screenshot was made entirely with the PCLinuxOS running on my PC - not bad huh?

Another lame joke...

2006-07-18T11:52:00.000+02:00

I know it is pathetic to post crappy jokes in lieu of serious and earnest blogging. ButI'm gonna do it anyway...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Here is a true story:

Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her 1st day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The following day, at 8:45, there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line threw open the door and began to rant about his new employee, Lena. He complained that she was incredibly slow and that the entire production line was behind schedule and backing up!

The personnel manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up, there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up at the end of the line stood Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began carefully to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager stared for a few seconds, saw what was happening, and burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her. Barely able to keep a straight face, he said, "I think you misunderstood the instructions given you yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles ..."

Terrible joke of the day

2006-06-29T13:13:00.000+02:00

This man is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to drive off when there's a woman still getting on the bus. The driver drives off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The man is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The man is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The man eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the man gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the man,"................ I'm just a really bad conductor."

Making the most of it.

2006-06-20T11:52:00.000+02:00

Some of you may be aware that Ms. Mac is in training for something. She will reveal the details in the fullness of time so I won't blab now. As part of this, she has been swimming practically everyday. So since I am off work this week, I have joined her at the pool on Sunday and Monday.

We've been putting in the laps and so far, we swum 1.1km on Sunday and 1.6km yesterday. Bloody hell, I don't remember the last time that I swam that far - probably never.

We're off to the pool again today and then again tomorrow and...

Geeks and the World Cup 2006

2006-06-19T22:36:00.000+02:00

Just been on a site watching the Spain - Tunisia game using ASCII code in a terminal window. It is obviously ridiculous but still one of the coolest things on the internet today. It uses Telnet to "stream" the data to your computer.

Check it out here. It will take you a while to work out what it is all about, but when the "video" zooms in closer to the action, it is actually possible to see the game adequately.

                                   _ajjaa                             
                                 _Q???4Qf                            
              _,...,_            ) a/]QQb                            
            .'@/~~~\@'.              jQQba                           
           //~~\___/~~\\          _, .?QQ#[ _                        
          |@\__/@@@\__/@|         ]m _.7   "asLaas_a/                
          |@/  \@@@/  \@|        , ,\J#L -!4Wba                      
          \\__/~~~\__//       [aL[    \    \jmm     jP               
            '.@\___/@.'    ,b#'"[     \jmmmmm    _P.                
              `"""""`        a##'      "4P#mmm#   _ya                
                            _P          !4####m  ?]aa/               
                           /'        aaJ#U###m#   4QP'               
                          '         aa,/4!44! '                      
                      jf         _'jQQQQyb7b /                       
                      '.         '.QQQQ4QQPb  )?                     
                                   QQQ'QQP?'  jg/ f                  
                                 _yQP']QQb aa                        
                               a#W?'..QQQQ?)?   ?'                   
                              "##'  _jQQP'                           
                             .j?  [ jQQ'                             
                        aJ  jmaaX#L???                               
                        ? am'                                        
                      _QjQQQ/                                        
                      )QQQP?                                         
                       4QQQ/

Follow the instructions on the HOW-TO link which is on the lower left-hand side of the page and everything should become as clear as crystal.

ps. It works in Windows and OS X too - it's not confined to Linux geeketry! Instructions at the HOW-TO link.

Ok People, Turn Up Your Volume - Announcement

2006-05-20T10:20:00.000+02:00

As many of you are aware, there is a special little lady celebrating her 23(+13) birthday today.

I am sure you will join me in wishing her a happy birthday. Presently, she is in bed reading trash mags and drinking tea. More exciting festivities to follow later.

Happy Birthday Beautiful.
Love you xxxxx

Can't blog...

2006-05-16T18:15:00.000+02:00

...must work! Will report in later - have much to tell about my new hobby.

How awesome are...

2006-05-09T08:06:00.000+02:00

...The Chemical Brothers?!?!? I have rocked out to them on my iPod all the way from the bus stop this morning. My ears hurt now and I will probably be deaf even earlier than anticipated, but you're only middle-aged once! *isn't actually middle-aged*

Check them out at their official site. They are well worth the listen.

BTW, for any aficionados, is the sample on Surface to Air from The Modern Age by The Strokes?

Further evidence that I need my head read...

2006-05-08T08:49:00.000+02:00

Remember the great news about the Xbox mod chip that I installed myself after our trip to France? Well that little bad boy is still running like a treat and everyone is happy with the ongoing performance of the machine.

Since I am either soft in the head or soft in the heart, I asked Ewan if he wanted a mod chip for his Gamecube. How hard could it be? He readily agreed (what else would he have said?) and I set about the task of finding out the optimum chip to buy which involves a heap of internet research and then the outlay of cash money to secure the goods. Did I tell you I bloody love shopping on the internet? Give me a credit card and a computer and I'll have the bailiffs 'round in 72 hours to start recuperating the accumulated debts!!

Eventually we settled on the Viper GC Extreme. Easy enough to install I suppose, if you aren't too bothered putting a soldering iron to a printed circuit board with no recourse when you fuck it up!

Here are some of the instructions...

The total instructions are limited to three pages like that with pics and very little text. The adage about a picture and some words did not apply in this case. What do you do when yours doesn't look like the picture Miss?

The upshot is that the machine functions perfectly snd now reads games burnt onto normal size DVDs thanks to the mod chip and a new cover / case-modification (which also had to be purchased) and Ewan has expanded his game library to record levels. Oh and I took another step down the parallel paths of blindness and baldness due to the combination of very close work and stress. I don't know why I volunteer for this sort of thing.

Stay tuned for the story of how I pulled Patrick's PS2 apart to install his modchip...it ain't gonna be pretty. I won't be able to blog it until the psychiatric counselling is finished, but here is a sneak preview.

Hello, is this thing on?

2006-05-06T22:32:00.000+02:00

If there is any body out there still dropping in occasionally, I would like to apologise about the distinct lack of contact! No excuses, just an apology.

I've been up to all sorts lately. Mostly related to work. But there have also been flashes of excitement too. For example, I have been spending a lot of time playing with PCs and continuing to learn as much as possible about Linux - driving the lovely Ms. Mac out of her mind.

If you're interested, you could look into the distribution I prefer, available at Ubuntu. It is in an upgrade cycle at the moment and there is a new version to be released at the beginning of June. The best thing about it is that it allows you to download a Live CD which you boot from and it makes no changes to your existing system whilst still giving full functionality to test the features of Ubuntu. When you take it out of the CD drive and reboot, your system is back to normal.

I also attended the Swiss Blog Awards in Biel last night. An interesting evening, whereby a very good friend of the Chateau Mac crew, the delightful Heather, had her blog, dontmentiontheskiing.com nominated as one of the best blogs being written in Switzerland. We all thought that there wouldn't be much chance that a British woman blogging in English in Switzerland would win.

Imagine the surprise of all involved when she was announced the winner of the Best Blog in Switzerland!!!! I want to congratulate her and urge both of you to head over and give her your best. A very deserving winner who was exceptionally charming in her acceptance. The funniest part was when they gave her the opportunity to write an on-the-spot post right there on the stage and she couldn't remember password. Really funny shit, man!

Big hello to Matthias too! We have known him through his blogs and also his winning of the Elf Shorts (where the fuck are those bad boys???) for some time now, but last night was the first time we had met in person. Enjoyed a nice meal in a pizzeria with him, the victor and her husband and had a lot of laughs. All in all, a good night tat the awards, which turned out better than I expected.

Not much else to report - will be continuing toplay with the computers, take delivery of a broken PC and see if I can't fix it and then try some more Linux shenanigans. We'll see...I might even blog more????

Is it that obvious?

2006-03-25T16:42:00.000+01:00

Today I was in the Low Yat market in downtown Kuala Lumpur saving big dollars on PC parts and mobile accessories. More on this story later...

Prior to that, I was in Bukit Bintang Plaza checking out some "original release" DVD box sets of The Sopranos. Imagine my surprise when I saw a copy of Season 4 and Season 5, which I just happen to need for my collection. I turned to ask Mr. Man what the price for these would be, obviously reckoning that it would be cheaper than the grief from Ms. Mac when I hogged t'internet "legally purchasing" them. I turned back and the next thing I know, I'm being shoved out of the store, the roller shutter support is frantically being put into place and then without so much as a by-your-leave, the roller shutter was slammed down. It happened all over the market and there were scores of presumably Malaysian Chinese strolling around with their hands in their pockets, whistling nonchalantly...what a scream.

I didn't even have time to flash my MPAA Identity Card - they rumbled me in seconds. Must formulate a clever discguise for next time...

Rockin' My Box

2006-03-12T17:03:00.000+01:00

During the whirlwind tour of France last weekend, I discovered that my charming (though slightly shy) host had a modified Xbox that offered many new features that Micro$oft couldn't or wouldn't implement. Naturally, I wanted my Xbox to have all these too and had to purchase the necessary hardware mod chip and new 200 GB hard drive for the modification. Then I had to source the tools such as soldering iron, Torx screwdrivers and on and on.

To be honest the prospect of disassembling the Xbox and the very thought of applying a heated soldering iron to its delicate motherboard filled me with dread. The wealth of info on the internet was perfectly adequate and I had not one problem. The mod chip worked as soon as I reapplied the power, and all the (probably?) boring techie details were accomplished with the minimum of fuss.

Needless to say, the modifications have proved to be a hit and I can barely get near the thing. I'm glad because a large part of the fun for me is in doing the task and achieving the result. I recommend this to anyone whose Xbox warrantyhas expired - you've got nothing to lose.

If you do it, I also recommend that you use the Team Avalaunch dashboard cos it rocks too.

Who's up for it?

2006-02-14T13:20:00.000+01:00

All the rage in our little circle of copycats today.

Roowwrrr!!!

Have they been to my office without telling me?

2006-02-08T13:35:00.000+01:00

As always, Dilbert gets it absolutely correct. Funnily enough though, I never thought of myself as Pointy Haired Boss but....

Urrgghh, I feel horrible....but I'm still happy!

2006-02-08T11:04:00.000+01:00

Stream of consciousness today...I just got back late last night from a two-day trip to Germany with corresponding daily meetings in German. You'd think that living in a german-speaking country, that there'd be no problem. Well you'd be wrong. I don't have to speak German all day long. I tend to speak loads of English so sitting in meetings that go for hours on end in German is actually hard work. You cannot afford to lose consciousness even for a second.

Which is of course made all the worse when you spent your 15th wedding anniversary on the toilet in a hotel in Bremen!!! I must have taken a bait somewhere or picked up a stomach bug because I felt like hell. Thankfully the Hilton in Bremen provides lots of toilet paper. Needless to say, the next day meeting was even worse when you consider that I had a toilet-shaped impression on my backside. For lunch they served some fancy sandwiches which were pleasant enough but I wisely avoided the Beef Tartar canape which looked to my delicate stomach like raw mince on toast - blechhhh.

You may have noticed that I mentioned that it was my 15th wedding anniversary on Monday. The little lady is an absolute doll and I couldn't ever have found anyone better. Here's to at least 115 more!

Love ya baby.

You've got to be mad haven't you

2006-02-02T08:46:00.000+01:00

I was perusing the newspaper this morning from my beloved Melbourne and came across this story that frankly, beggars belief!

Is there really anyone out there who believes now (or has ever) that the emails you get from people purporting to be the head of an African bank or aide to an exiled / dead president of an African nation yet come from Yahoo and Hotmail accounts are real?

I mean really, "I will give you 10% of 75 million gajillion US dollars if you will let me have access to your bank account." or "I will give you 10% of 75 million gajillion US dollars if you will please send a Western Union Money Order for USD7460 to Mboko Nagumba in Lagos , so that we can bribe the officials of Zaire to release the money." Oh OK, let me just run down to the Western Union office and do that now.

If it was real, why wouldn't they just go to the officials and offer them the 10% of 75 million gajillion US dollars?

Check out this site for a good laugh at the expense of the scammers. They suck the scammers into believing that they will comply with the request for money and make the scammers do all sorts of stupid and humiliating things. normally posing for photographs with silly signs and stuff. Take this for example:

We all know that it's a scam, but what troubles me is that there are some of my fellow countrymen (Queenslanders mostly - which sort of explains it) who have been fleeced for up to AUD 2.2 million!!!! In total, police estimate AUD 7 million has gone to these scams from Queensland "victims". I say "victims" because "dickheads" would be too inflammatory - oops, I said it. In case anyone needs to be reminded, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Still, if you're a greedy bastard, you'll soon fall over yourself. As they say, a fool and his money are soon parted.

Now if you would just leave your account details in the comment box, I will share 20% (twice the going rate) of a Swiss cheese baron's estate that I can get access to, if I could just get a couple of thousand Swiss Francs with which to bribe the caretaker at the cheese factory . Email me soonest your accordance such that we can do a profitable business. I would never try to cheat you - honest!!

Crocheting is now officially great!

2006-02-01T09:17:00.000+01:00

My beloved Nana used to crochet littel baby clothes, covers for coathangers and stuff like that, just like everyone's grandmother - no real news here.

However, this amazing lady does crocheting too and her's is out of this world. Check out these examples of crocheting excellence.

A crocodile ate my baby!

A delicious dinner!

Can you beat a pink crocheted gimp mask?

Crocheting is back baby!!

Thanks to BoingBoing for putting me onto this one too.

Foo Fighters - Fucking Awesome!!!

2006-01-26T00:15:00.000+01:00

This just in:

The Foo Fighters concert was absolutely brilliant. The lovely rock goddess Ms. Mac and I spent the entire concert right down the front, centre stage in the midst of the mosh. Needless to say we had a ball!!

And Dave even played the drums while Taylor sang a song. That fucking rocked too - love to see Dave on the drums.

Mr. Mac excellence rating: 10 / 10

I nearly blew it!!

2006-01-24T08:51:00.000+01:00

Big news - an admission of guilt on my behalf.

Regular readers will be aware that the adult Macs are going to see the Foo Fighters this month. There has been a lot of build up to this concert and Ms. Mac and I are heavily invested in the gig. It is something that we have wanted to do for years and years. Normally when the tickets go on sale in Australia, they are sold out in minutes so it was a big deal for me to be able to waltz into Ticket Corner and nonchalantly pick up a couple of tickets without any queuing, sleeping bags or thermoses of braised steak and veggies!

For about a month now, I have been convinced that the concert is the day after pay day. So much so that I have also sold Ms. Mac on the idea and we have been planning our entire week around going to Foo Fighters on Thursday 26th. Being a cautious type (and having screwed us up on dates before*), Ms. Mac asked me last night "are you absolutely sure that the concert is on the 26th???"

I replied "of course I'm sure - the day AFTER payday."
"Yeah well you better check! I'll kill you if there's a mix-up!!!"

So last night I suddenly remembered that she had told me to check the dates and opened the top drawer where the tickets have been hibernating and took a peek. Lucky I did too - the concert is tomorrow, not Thursday!!!

Can you even begin to imagine what would have happened if I had not checked and we turned up on Thursday only to find the place deserted and our tickets reduced to the status of the world's most expensive bookmarks?

The agony doesn't bear thinking about.

*Once, we were scheduled to travel on the Superfast ferry from Zeebrugge in Belgium to Rosyth, Scotland. This overnight trip is a fun way to cross from Europe to the UK and we were really looking forward to it. Zeebrugge is about 10+ hours drive from Zürich so we packed up the car, the kids and our troubles and set off in the dead of night for Belgium. We turned up at the ferry port expecting the usual tailback of cars waiting to board the ferry and were pleasantly surprised to see that we were the first (and only) car there. I went up to the lady sitting in the office and asked what time the gates would be opening for boarding. To which she replied that the ferry didn't sail on Sundays in winter - we were a whole day early! We got a hotel room and stayed the night, had chinky for tea and the boys loved it. So much so that they asked if Mum could always screw up the dates in future!

Ich hasse Hausaufgaben.*

2006-01-23T20:09:00.000+01:00

Patrick: Ja, und du bist nicht der Einzige!**

This evening, whilst trying to further my own internet wheelings and dealings, Patrick asked me if I could help him with one of those crappy word searches that they give to children in schools when they (the teachers) have run out of inspiration or interest.

Tonight we were searching for german verbs. Not such a hard task because the infinitive form of all german verbs ends in 'en'. For some reason, I managed to find about 10 words after the resident "german expert" found all that he could. I think that if I could refrain from punching his teacher (Herr Knobend), I might be a good 6. Klässler (sixth grader).

Who knew? Which class would you go back to and warum (why)?

* I hate homework
** Yes, and you're not the only one!

20 Quid a Month and We're Watching...

2006-01-21T20:00:00.000+01:00

The Poseidon Adventure!!!!!!! I don't know about you but I am on the lookout for something, anything at tonight to watch on the tellybox. It would appear that the people who sell us our telly programming don't actually want us to enjoy our Saturday evening at home.

Unfortunately, the residents of Chateau Mac are not really disposed to the typical Saturday funtime activities that may be on offer to adults in 2006. (S0me of them are not actually adults - but don't tell Patrick). According to a friend of mine and to a apply his comment to my own life, "it's not all parties and poppers!" Damn straight it isn't!

Anyway, we've decided to introduce the boys to the epic that is an Irwin Allen disaster flick. The thing is that they have already started to watch the Airplane movies so they've seen the farcical side of this genre, now we need to show them where it all came from in the first place.

Think of us when you're dropping your first 'E' tonight or stumbling home, evening's conquest in tow....some of us are watching The Poseidon Adventure.

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T01:34:00.000+01:00

A Happy and healthy New Year to both of my readers. I am as pissed as a newt, so this message comes with no guyarantee of spelling or typigraphical excellence. Try saying that when you'rte pisse dand your fingers are the sixe of sausages.

I hoipe you havwe a great 2006. I hope that we do an wish the same for all of you.

xxx

She's baaaack

2005-12-20T15:32:00.000+01:00

I can now confirm that Ms. Mac is indeed back in town. Thank fuck for that!!!! Now perhaps the boys may live to see their next birthdays - I say perhaps.

Now Ewan has walked through the front door and life is back to normal. So much for the "getting to know you time". I'm sure we'll catch up soon enough.

OMG!!!

2005-12-20T07:09:00.000+01:00

Finally, after some time-off with good behaviour I am being paroled today.

That's right, you heard it hear. I can now officially reveal that the lovely Ms. Mac is coming home today. Yay!

She has finished her exciting mini-break weekend to Australia (Ok it was two weeks but that doesn't work in the Bridget Jones way) and is now somewhere between Dubai and Zurich.

Would it be revealing too much to say that I've missed her? I don't think so. But then, I'm sure we all have.

Hahaha, sucked in!!!

2005-12-16T09:12:00.000+01:00

Just a quick one with a link to an hilarious story I found on Yahoo! Seems that some ~~sleazy~~ romantic Frenchman calling himself The Prince of Pleasure, was conducting an online affair with a lovely little French lass called Sweet Juliette. After six months of online raunch they agreed to meet.

A clandestine rendezvous (French derived word - apropos, non?) on a secluded beach, the Prince wandered across the sand to meet his love. She had her back to him and as he neared, she turned to face him and he finally laid eyes on the girl of his dreams - his MOTHER!!!!

What if they were indulging in cybersex too? Ewwwwww!!!! It's fine to love your Mum, just don't LOVE your Mum. Not even virtually!!!

Funny story and it made me laugh. How 'bout you?

Smells are so evocative.

2005-12-14T11:52:00.000+01:00

Today I was doing my daily chore / duty of taking a trip to the Coop Supermarket to get the luchtime supplies in. On the way through the shortcut, I smelt the unmistakeable smell of diesel fuel burning in a well-tuned engine. This was obviously a mistake because there were no trucks anywhere to be seen. When diesel fuel is burnt correctly, the smell is almost sweet and has a very distinctive "taste". I actually like the smell because it makes me think of those salad days onboard navy warships steaming through the open ocean.

I was rugged up against the bitter European winter and the smell took me straight back to the quarterdeck of a frigate in the middle of the Indian ocean. I was standing there in my grey coveralls, talking with my shipmates and sucking in the "freshers"*. The ironic part is that the freshers on the quarterdeck was always full of diesel exhaust and cooking smells from the galley ventilation. We loved it nonetheless.

* Freshers is navy slang for fresh air. Almost any word can be "navy-ised" by adding 'ers' to it.
e.g. Sippers? Translation: Can I have a sip of your drink?
Steppers. Translation: Civilian clothing (one "steps" acrossthe gangway when going ashore, more often than not, in civilian clothing for a night out.)
Try it yourself - it will make you feel all salty and nautical.

If you want to learn how sailors have spoken since Nelson's time, check out this RN page.

Bizarre Ravings of a Lonely Lunatic

2005-12-13T21:52:00.000+01:00

With the delightful Ms. Mac currently in the Merry Old Land of Oz, I am watching buku* TV! This means that I am seeing plenty of saturation advertising. Why is it that the Sky channels all synchronise their ads for the same time. Channel hopping is totally pointless. This is a double whammy because I have finally wrested control of the Hopper** from Ms. Mac but I can't really do anything with it cos it's always ads!!!

Arrrrgghhh. Whilst channel hopping through endless ads and repeats of Will and Grace, Charmed and The Simpsons (honestly, you'd think they stopped making the show in 1994!!), I stumbled upon the latest Chanel ad. Have you seen it? Here is a memory jogger for you:

What a load of hot cock!!! The last time I saw anything this ridiculous it was that rubbishy Moulin Rouge. Imagine my surprise to be told by the celebrated brain box Ms. Mac that the ad was directed by Baz Luhrman. It just fits doesn't it?

--Chanel ad brainstorming session.--

Baz: I need to come up with something for the new Chanel campaign.
Assistant 1: Well Baz, you know that our Nic is the new spokeswoman for the brand.
Baz: I kknow, lets rehash that other load of old twaddle that had her in it. What did I call it?
Assistant 2: Ahh Moulin Rouge?
Baz: Yeah, is that guy from Star Wars available???
Assistant 3: Shouldn't you do something original Baz?
Baz: Nobody else does? Why should I? By the way Assistant 3, your toadying leaves much to be desired. Fetch me a Skinny Soy Lattecino and be quick about it!

--Scene--

Now don't get me wrong, this woman is very attractive.

But really, that script couldn't be saved by Gielgud, Hepburn or Fonda. It, and the ad it is part of are utter, utter bollocks!

If there is one of you that buys or switches to Chanel from this, I'd be exceptionally surprised. After all, I have nothing but respect for my reader and would be disappointed if you were moved by this one.

*Buku: Japanese style spelling of French word beacoup indicating muchness or a great quantity.

**Hopper - the device used for channel hopping. Obviously!

Once again this blog is both deprecating, hyper critical, demeaning and informative.

---End transmission---

Washing Powder Surprise

2005-11-27T19:24:00.000+01:00

What do these people use in the laundry, that they wouldn't ever use in the office?

The answer is this:
That's right folks. The people above are the staff of the Microsoft Corp. ca. 1977. Fact is that they wouldn't be seen dead with this on their desktop but if they are ever in Germany, shopping in WalMart, they will be able to buy Linux detergent to use in the laundry.

Which fragrance do you think it comes with? My bet is the smell of quiet desperation and dried spunk.

What do you reckon Linus Torvalds thinks about the fact that the detergent company are claiming Linux as their registered trademark?*

*I fully realise the irony of me making fun of Micro$oft and their geeketry, as I type this post on a laptop running Ubuntu Linux as the operating system and asking questions about Linus Torvalds and the infringement of Linux's trademark. So there's no need to mention it. Ok?

Fuck yeahhh!!!!!!!!

2005-11-25T09:41:00.000+01:00

It's official! ms. mac and I are headed to see the Foo Fighters in January. They have announced a date in Winterthur and I am now the proud owner of two tickets to see them.

It is gonna be fuckin' awesome. I cannot wait and I know that ms. mac is also "quite excited!" She has some girl wood for Dave Grohl (and maybe I do too - so what? Shut up!) so we are just going to have the best time.

It's not some poxy sit-down show either. Oh no, we are gonna be in the mosh man! It's standing room only and....as you can see, I am a little bit keen for it to hurry up and happen.

The last time ms. mac and I saw a concert it was Joe Cocker in the State Theatre in Sydney in 1992. A word of advice - if you're planning on having sex, don't let anyone tell you that a baby won't cramp your style - cos it will!

Here's another pic of the band, just in case you don't know who I'm talking about (which would basically mean that you are either dead or you suck!).

It's the little things, isn't it?

2005-11-24T09:25:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, I was reading the free "newspaper" which they have here in Zürich, called 20 Minuten (20 minutes - presumably the amount of time it takes to read) which is available on public transport.

I usually grab one and while away the time on the bus / train by trying to read it and improve my german. A noble pursuit to be sure. In doing this yesterday, I found a small article advertising the Extasia Expo which is going on at the Event Hall in Oerlikon this weekend. It is an erotic and adult oriented expo with various porn stars doing celebrity appearances etc.

The big news is that one of the legends of the "adult entertainment" business, Rocco Siffredi, will be there and as part of the article, Rocco was interviewed about his career, his hopes and dreams and his attitude to sex and love. All very interesting I suppose. The fact that he lost his virginity at 13 to a 27 year old woman was mentioned and I must congratulate him, as he had the sense to admit that it was actually paedophilia, but he said that he loved it never the less.

He also told us that at the time "mein Schwanz war fast so gross wie heute." (his penis was almost as big as it is today.) The article then went on to describe his "imposantes Juwel - ganze 23cm" (impressive gem - a full 23cm).

Which brings me to my point; would you open The Age or The Guardian and expect to see an article about a porn star with specifics about his equipment? I'm going to say no and I think that is actually a shame. It must be a product of our puritannical Anglo-Saxon upbringing that this isn't really the sort of thing that one reads with one's breakfast. I'm not saying that it is polite dinner party conversation either - it just goes to show what a different attitude they have to topics of this nature here on the continent.

Having said that, since Rocco crossed into the mainstream in a french film called Anatomy of Hell, he did a get an article and interview in The Guardian. Read it here, but don't expect to read stories about his gear like the 20 Minuten one or this one from Die Weltwoche - another Swiss news magazine.

Oh my god!!!

2005-10-01T20:20:00.000+02:00

You have to check this brilliant link. I have been rolling in the aisles after going here. I can barely function and I have been dazed like a zombie.

Check it here.

Phew! I was really getting worried

2005-10-01T19:26:00.000+02:00

Just checking through the mr. mac Inbox and our friends at www.greenones.com have noticed something that must be lacking in my arsenal of love.

See for yourself:
Cheap cials-tabs Online

From:
"Wilson Romano"

To:
mr.mac@chateaumac.org

Date:
2005-09-23 22:55

Spam Status: Spamassassin 0% probability of being spam.

Be ERECT in less than 15 mins

PRlCE: $ 2 / use

visit us: greenones.com

I don't know about most of you, but I've really been looking for something to get me ERECT in less than 15 mins. Just the other day ms. mac spent the best part of an hour waiting for me to "stand up" so that we could get down to bidness. Good news my darling, we'll now be doin' the nasty four times more efficiently. It will have to be a lot better than the myriad of pumps and mechanical devices we're currently mired in. After all, think how much more TV we'll be able to watch with the new found help that Cials will be giving us "down there".

And another thing, now that these miracle erections are only going to be $2 a throw (so to speak) we can do away with the messy and expensive creams and injections that have been taking food from the table for years now. The mini macs eat tonight.

Now that I can get there in less than 15 mins, is there something that can keep me there for more than 15 seconds? Without this second miracle product, it could get quite expensive even at a paltry $2 per shot (ooer).

Mind you, after taking the miracle product that will add 4 inches to my knob in a month or less, I think that they should just sell me home transfusion kits at $2 per IV bag. Think of the fun we could have with adminstering IVs as part of our lovemaking.

Mmmmm, IV transfusions *cums*

Oh and by the way Spamassassin *airquotes sarcastically* you got some splainin' to do!!

0% probability of that email being spam??? You couldn't antispam your mum, on the anitspammingest day of your life, with an electrified antispamming machine!!!

I'd buy that for a dollar!

2005-10-01T19:13:00.000+02:00

Hello and welcome to another apparel related post about a pair of shoes that we met today. I say that we met them because they really have a personality all of their own. Perhaps they're designed to provide personalities to people who are sadly lacking.

Here are the offending articles. I declare that they are possibly the worst shoes I've ever seen. Bear in mind that I spent a large part of my career wearing a pair of white leather shoes and long white socks so I know ugly when I see it.

Can you imagine the kind of person that is wearing these bad boys? Far be it for me to be casting nasturtiums, but I think he/she may consider himself to be rather streetwise and a little bit gangsta. I could see Fred Durst in a pair of these in his next homemade porno.

I give these abominations a mr. mac hideousness rating of: -18 / 20043

The unthinkable - a blog about one of my kids.

2005-09-23T09:30:00.000+02:00

Depending on your levels of literacy and powers of observation, you might know that I have some children. "Some" may be three (it was at last count) but it just sounds better to number them as some rather than three. And let's face it - it's all about the champagne comedy here.

Anyway, I felt compelled to mention my middle son after reading this post of the lovely ms. mac. You see, this particular son o' mine is cursed with an exceptionally high intellect. This manifests itself as an eccentricity bordering on tortured genius. You know, the kind of general malaise that curses chestnuts for their indolence, that kind of thing.*

James has a tendency to display casual indifference to most things in his life, indeed he is most happy when he's playing games or with toys by himself in his room, when his brothers are out destroying corn fields. But occasionally, there will be something which piques his interest and then he absorbs every bit of information about it that he can find. This time his obsession is the dramatic effects of Hurricane Katrina and this new one, Rita. He was quite disturbed by the footage from New Orleans, but not in a childish way. Rather he was thinking about what would happen to the people in the aftermath and how will they get backto normality - a quite mature and adult perspective.

A few weeks back, we let him watch The Day After Tomorrow (a stinker IMHO, but the kids seem less fussy) and he really enjoyed the "science" parts about the meteorology etc. You remember the bit where the three storms were all converging across the northern hemisphere? He certainly did, because when he saw the weather reports of Katrina on CNN, he immediately drew a reference back to the movie.

Today he watched CNN before heading off to catch the bus for school and saw similar footage of Hurricane Rita. I can just see his mind processing the info and out popped the question " Mum, are you ABSOLUTELY sure we don't need to be preparing for a snap Ice Age?"

I think it is dead cool that even with his powerful intellect, he still trusts his mother and I to sort things out for him. If we say no, he can accept that the Ice Age isn't coming just yet. You'd think that for someone so smart, he would have realised by now that we're relying on him, and the sooner he turns things around for us all, the better.

Mind you, I did catch him looking up directions on the internet for making a tinfoil hat, so who knows how he's going to turn out.

*I bloody love Dr. Evil. Possibly one of my favourite characters of all time.

and then I laughed out loud

2005-09-21T11:40:00.000+02:00

I subscribe to the Urban Dictionary Word of the Day. They have some absolute ball-busters, and today's is no exception:

Assvice

Unwelcomed and unsolicited advice given to someone.

eg "Thanks for the assvice, but I think I'll do it my way."

Can't you just see Scott Evil making a comment like this? Ass!

Laurel and Hardy visit Sauber.

2005-09-19T15:57:00.000+02:00

On Saturday, I had the privilege of attending the Sauber company open day where excited Sauber employees got to show their friends and family around the factory for the day.

For an F1™ buff like myself, it was an absolute blast. We got to see plenty of exciting stuff like the designers workspace and the testing and simulation area. We also saw the carbon fibre manufacturing area where they make virtually every component of the car. There was also access to the mechanical construction areas where they assemble the gearboxes, engines, suspension and even the race bays where they actually put the cars together for the coming events.

However, there were virtually no pictures allowed to be taken. If you were McLaren, Ferrari or Renault I could understand - people might want some of your technology. But Sauber???? They wouldn't even let us take pictures in the wind tunnel area which they had set up as a kind of museum with one of every car that Sauber has ever raced in various forms of motorsport.

Thankfully, I had the opportunity to flaunt the rules and took a couple of pics. The proximity to the cars and the lack of people running around them was unprecendented for a pleb like me so I had to take my chances.

This was a C24 (2005 model) in the reception of the factory and there was no one about. You can see that security was assured by the red and white tape so I knew my chances were limited. However I started by making a study of the front wheel.

Then, thinking I would do a sort of arty piece focussing on components, I boldly breached security and stepped over the barrier and approached the car. I felt like the flashing lights and guard towers would pop up at any minute so I stealthily covered the 8 feet to the cockpit. In spite of the clearly written Bitten nicht beruhren, I leant against the car to take this awesome shot of the steering wheel

Then one of the wags I was with said "Hey, can't you read. Please don't touch." I freaked for some reason (obviously nowhere near as hardcore as I project), stood up too quick, bashed into the side pod of the car with commensurate amount of noise and then quickly turned and shouldercharged the potted tree you see to the left of the car. All in my haste to get out of the No Man's Land around the car.

I just about knocked the tree out of the pot and scattered those little red hydroponic stones all over the white tiles. What a bloody palaver!!! I was so embarrassed, I look as if I'd been painted Maranello red. It can be so hard to look cool at times.

It was another fine mess I'd gotten myself into. Imagine the embarrassment if my new best friend Peter* had caught me.

Luckily, he didn't see me and as you can plainly see, we are the very best of friends.

Stay tuned for my story about my stupidity with the coffee maker this morning - I wasn't just a knob-end, I was the whole bloody thing!

*For those of you who don't know, that is Peter Sauber, owner and team principal of SauberF1

2005-09-19T11:45:00.000+02:00

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Flint

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

What's your pirate name?

Thanks be to the buxom wench ms.mac for the link to this here quiz.

Avast ye mateys

2005-09-19T10:21:00.000+02:00

Garrr, today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

So shall ye, a post in pirate talk , this day write. Garrrrr, else ye be flung into the depths of the sea like the scurvy dogs ye be. Then ye can explain yourselves to Cap'n Davey Jones, though I don't fancy y'r chances with a bloodthirsty pirate like 'im.

Now get y'r scurvy backsides to work and make y'r own pirate post! Else ye be tastin' the kiss of the Cat across y'r lazy backs!

I be off to visit that lusty wench ms. mac now. She be just the sort that loves a bloodthirsty pirate to kidnap her and hold her ransom for a 1000 doubloons and a barrel of rum.

Yo ho ho!

Spam Sandwich Anyone?

2005-09-18T20:12:00.000+02:00

I like to be bombarded by spam as much as the next person, but I found this particular email to be quite amusing.

From: "Nona Haley"

The Only Clinically Tested Penis Enlargement Pills that works..

- add 1-4 inches to your peniis
- 20% thicker
- 5x more enjoyable orgasm
- or your monneyy back without question ask!

Join millions of delighted users which has been benefited
with Maxxlength3.

http://www.maxxsize.us

Apart from the fact that I only have one penis so I shan't be adding any inches to my penii, the purpose of saturation advertising is to put enough copies of your link out there to get a few bunnies to click on it and then a few of them might buy your product, right?

The thing is though, if your product actually can make my knob 4 inches (!!!) bigger and I can enjoy 5 times better orgasms why did I have to hear about through the trusted medium of spam???

Note to manufacturers of miracle products:
If your miracle product actually works, advertise it on a billboard sized TV in Times Square or at Piccadilly Circus. Granted, it will cost a lot but at least people might actually believe that your product is worth something and then come and buy it. After all, you wouldn't spend your hard-earned money on a scam so why should we?

I can see why some people wouldn't want us to all take this miracle product though. When all of our knobs are 4 inches bigger nothing will have changed except that we will feel like we are all looking at our knobs through magnifying glasses, and then who has won? Relatively speaking, all of our knobs will still have the same variations in size that they do now. Pornstars will have 20 inch knobs and people will snicker in the changerooms at the guy with the eight incher.

I predict that if the manufacturers of this miracle product do follow my marketing strategy, disaster will befall us all. The earth's axis will be tipped off line and there will be an unprecedented and irreversible climate change for the worse. The next ice age perhaps. Then we'll need a new miracle product to cope with the detrimental effects of shrinkage and things will just go from bad to worse.

Kudos for marketing your product in a responsible and sensible fashion, Ms. Haley. Your commitment to the welfare of humanity is admirable. I for one, realise that you spamming me is nothing more than me contributing to your noble efforts. Keep serving me up that spam. I have some other email addresses you could use too. Also, please find attached my entire email address list for your use so that you may continue the good works.

P.S. Thanks for the remarkable results I have seen over only a four week course of your miracle product. My wife and I have been pleasantly surprised by the remarkable results. Please debit my visa card 5345 8867 3411 0443 every month till further notice.

---End transmission---

First Blog from the new (ish) laptop

2005-09-09T21:57:00.000+02:00

Hi All,

This is my first blog for a while. I have been in a mild funk and wasn't really up for too much blogging but things are moving along so here we are back on track.

Firstly, I was trying to do some work on a laptop for a friend whose Windows XP had crapped itself. I tried everything and it simply would not reinstall. Everytime it got into the process, it would overheat and shut down. Bugger! Perversely though, it installed Linux perfectly and without a hassle - found all the hardware, hooked up to the wireless network here at chateau mac during the installation (XP has never done that!!!) and basically worked really well. The upshot of this was that I told my friend I couldn't get Windoze to install, would he like to learn a whole new operating system. He had a particular Windoze application that couldn't run properly in a Linux emulator so he said no - I could keep it. He has decided to buy a new laptop and I'll help him to set that up and get his special program running. Score!!!

Only problem is that now I am even more of a geek than before and also an advocate of open source software. Poor ms. mac - she has to put up with me sitting here learning how to use the command line and zzzzzzzzzzzz..............
_________________________________

Tonight we went to the Gewerbe Ausstellung which was an exhibition of farm machinery (since we live in a semi-rural area) at the local school. An interesting affair. The lovely ms. mac has a post coming up about the tractors etc, so I won't steal her thunder but will show you some amazing trees (Bäume) that were for sale (Zu Verkaufen)

Check out the beautiful flower on the right. Then there was this one:

This one is even better developed than the previous.

The look on the lovely ms. mac's face is due to the prices. The first one came in at a fairly reasonable

Your eyes are not deceiving you, that is CHF 18'750.--

The second was the kicker, it comes at an astonishing

CHF 38'500.-- That is a lot of cash for a tree in any currency. I'm not saying that they are expensive cos it's in Switzerland, I'm saying it's dear cos it's a tree.
_________________________________

Finally, we found James bike, which had been stolen from the Velo Keller a couple of weeks ago. It was nicked by the little shit down the road, who resprayed it and then he was riding it around the village!! At least in Hoppers when they nicked your bike, they had the decency and good sense to sell on the other side of Melbourne. Went down to see the kids parents and they are going to foot the bill for a new one. Result!

What on earth is this?

2005-08-28T13:40:00.000+02:00

When does too much fun become dangerous to your health? Whilst enjoying the hell out of more than one bottle of flavoured Absolut vodka, we chanced across something that we cannot identify. Maybe you guys can help us to identify this affliction.

Is it leprosy?

Is it the plague?

Or is it just a Ropey Old Bird having WAAAY too much fun?

I know what I think. The Knapps and the Macs have had THE best week ever in the history of awesome weeks. We know you wish you were here, but we've decided that the circle is complete and we're really not interviewing anymore - sorry.

This man was allowed to cross international borders!

2005-08-19T10:57:00.000+02:00

This just in from the Urban Guerilla Photgrapher / Blogger:

Whilst waiting for young master James to get off his plane on Wednesday, this abomination was spied trundling his baggage through the arrivals area.

The question on everyone's lips is of course: What shop even sells pink denim in mens (or even adult) sizes?

I swear that the "dress-sense" of some people boggles the mind!!

*wonders if there are any specific rules relating to the amount of pink denim you are allowed to bring into Switzerland with you?*

Who's looking after the no-fly list at his departure point?

Like whatever, ya know...

2005-08-18T12:16:00.000+02:00

Quick update for you both. Nothing exciting happening at Büro mac. Working feverishly to finish everything I can before my holiday next week.

The big news that is, of course, rocking the blogosphere (used ironically) is that the Knapps, Andi and G, are heading to our place for a week.

They arrive Sunday so there is still time to find the liver donor and have the transplant team on standby. Updates may follow sporadically.

Jamesey is home from his whirlwind Scottish tour. He bought us all back presents! I got this absolutely ace Highland Cow Snow Globe which has pride of place on my desk.

Totally awesome dude!

Watched Trekkies on Tuesday with the boys. You know you're a loser when an 8 year old is appalled by your nerdiness. I may be a geek but thank fuck, I'm not a nerd!!! Some of those dudes are in serious need of sexin'. Obviously it won't be me helping them out since they were mostly guys, but it raises a question about nerds in general and Gay™ nerds in particular.

It's clear that there are Gay™ geeks, but are there Gay™ nerds??? If so, what kind of Gay™ do they attract?

That's your lot for now.

---End transmission---

Don't fuck with me bitch!

2005-08-10T10:38:00.000+02:00

I just got off the phone with my lovely health insurance provider and I am so angry that I want to scream!

Here in the land of cheese and chocolate, health insurance is B-I-G business. There is no kind of subsidised system and so everyone who lives here must have a basic coverage which you buy from an insurance company. These Krankenkasse as they are known in german, are making a fucking fortune out of each and every one of us.

Why is this so? The answer is that a government mandated insurance coverage means that you have no choice but to purchase health cover from one of these firms. There is no chancing your arm and saying to yourself that you feel healthy, maybe no need for insurance at the moment. The law states that you must have this basic coverage and so all the companies provide exactly the same thing.

Since the coverage is the same from all the companies, the deciding factors are obviously price and customer service. We have been with our Krankenkasse since we got here and i'm starting to think that we have gotten a bad deal. Arriving in Switzerland, we were informed that we must obtain this insurance within three months and given about two bibles worth of complex, german-language officialese to read and understand. I had no idea what we were doing so we just got on with it and got ourselves some insurance.

Here is the fun part though. For the princely sum of CHF 596 per month (USD 475, EUR 383, AUD 621, CAD 576, GBP265) we get coverage for the family. For the kids we get coverage for glasses and the like but no dental. For ms. mac and I, we get nothing but basic. To add insult to injury, they add a deductible. I have to pay the first CHF 1500 per year of all bills myself, whilst ms. mac is paying the first CHF 500. That's right, the insurance doesn't even kick in till we've shelled out a huge wad of our own cash on top of the exorbitant premium!

So we come to the crux of today's discussion, I had missed a payment and failed to pay the reminder on time. So they gave me an additional bill and blah blah. I got it sorted and made the payments (including additional costs) but there was an extra bill included for something that I had already paid, so I rang them up and said that I had already paid the bill and could you explain the reason for this extra bill. Frau Landolt, for that was her name, spoke to me in german like I was the stupidest fuckwit to ever call her telephone.

She misunderstood my question, and started going on about the additional costs (Spesen) that I had already told her were paid. Here's a transcript (in english):

mr. mac: "Hi can you help me, I have received these two bills and I just want to let you know that the bill for the additional costs is paid. The second bill for the monthly premium confuses me because I paid it on the 2nd and your bill dated the 8th tells me to pay it immediately. Can you tell me why this is?"
Fr. Landolt: "What have you done with the bill for the additional costs. Additional costs, [shouted slowly] ADDITIONAL COSTS. [exasperated] Do you understand german?"
mr. mac: "Yes I understand you and have just told you that it is already paid. What about this other bill. Why did you send it to me when I have already paid it?"
Fr. Landolt: [dead sarcastically]"Oh please excuse us very much. I am soooo sorry about that."
mr. mac: "Right then that's clear, thanks very much. "[CLICK]

If I could have spoken to her in english, I could have asked to speak to her boss and got the satisfaction of telling them all what I thought of them. I really feel like they take advantage of the language barrier in situations like this. You'd think that for the money we pay, they'd be a little bit more courteous but you'd be wrong. Since you have no choice but to pay them, they treat you like shit. Nice idea, but you insulted the wrong Ausländer (foreigner) love.

I pay these people over CHF 7000 per year and it is actually for nothing. Last year they didn't have to spend a cent on any of us. Not a fucking brass razoo because of the deductible. It's a con and what makes it worse is that the government actually enforces the con with its bullshit law. Still, if you pay low taxes, you get fuck all for it. Aussie readers take note, Medicare is the shizznit!

Bottom line, I am moving to another company and paying less per month. Fuck you Fr. Landolt and fuck you ASSURA!

It's been done before but...

2005-08-08T11:16:00.000+02:00

... I just wanted to get on the bandwagon cos I have a funny search term to tell you about. It seems that someone was hoping that I could help out with a little problem she had. You see, she needed help with getting her man's motor running, so she tried "something to make my husband horny" as a search. What better way to get your husband going than a visit to my humble page?

That's right, "something to make my husband horny". Now I don't know if I was any help, but she certainly thought I could be because she followed the link from Yahoo! where I am the no. 5 ranked page for solving this little dilemma.

I think that her husband may have been somewhat disappointed by anything she found here. I guess we'll never know, but if you're in Clarksville, Georgia and your wife made you horny over the weekend, you owe me one.

---End transmission---

I was simply gonna comment but thought I'd share this with you both.

2005-08-04T14:23:00.000+02:00

A recent visitor to this site just made an interesting comment to a previous post. It was a totally friendly (although slightly superior) comment about me and my opinions. I have included it here for ease of reading:

Mr Mac, you are hilarious but SOOOO judgemental & acerbic!!!Didn't you ever come across *that* famous saying(by some obscure Jewish guy...)''Judge not, that ye be not judged'' ???

I 'm not suggesting not to have opinions.We all do unless we are in a Zen monastery(and I 'm not, believe me).But it's good to remember that perception(opinion) doesn't equal knowledge(fact).

Have a lovely day :)

Do I really come across as a guy who thinks that his opinion is the right one or the only one? If I do, ~~it's because it's true~~ then I really need to rethink my writing. But that is beside the point. Do we all agree that a personal blog does not equal an attempt to state that an opinion is a fact. Nor does it attempt to provide fair or balanced reporting. I think it is patently clear that everything ever written here has been pure, unmeditated drivel. So what's the fuss.

But I will say to you that to most individuals, perception is fact. All the well-meaninged, see-it-from-his-point-of-view crap under the sun won't change that 97.23789% of us think that our understanding / perception of something is how it is. If one doesn't have an "understanding" of something, one doesn't form a perception. One cannot form an opinion of something one doesn't understand. If the understanding is in someway faulty, the perception is also flawed, but the self-confidence of your typically well-adjusted person leads them to believe that if they think that they understand something then their opinions are right.

If I can't say what I think without fear of friendly remonstration or the quoting of some obscure Jewish guy then we're all going to hell in a handbasket. Save the gospel quotes for the bible study group because it's all about the vitriol here!

And you have a nice day too.

When inspiration fails try some crappy blog tat to fill the void...

2005-08-04T10:57:00.000+02:00

Found over on Nickle Annie's blog is this amusing diversion regarding one's sense of humour. It turns out that humour-wise I am on

the Cutting Edge
(60% dark, 56% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK

Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top. Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on dark

You scored higher than 66% on spontaneous

You scored higher than 33% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

I am a little disturbed that I scored so low on Vulgarity - must work on that!

BTW - the html for this test is SOOO not written to fit inside my template! what a pain in the arse!

Don't look now, but he has an opinion...

2005-08-03T10:43:00.000+02:00

In a recent poll entitled "World's Most Politically Astute People", I was ranked number 4,577,368,102. So I am not really entitled to spout off about world events, current affairs and the like.

But I'm gonna do it anyway!

Read this story and tell me that there is any fucking excuse for this shit to be happening in this day and age.

What was Live8 all about? What the fuck did Bandaid20 achieve? About three-fifths of fuck all if you ask me (which you did cos you're sitting there reading this).

Apparently, "Those behind the Make Poverty History and Live8 events say that drawing attention to one disaster and turning the political campaign into a fundraising effort would have been counterproductive.".

Yes, much better to leave it to the G8 dudes to make it all happen. You just know that we can trust them to make the world a better place.

I could go on about this for ages and millions of blogs have all said the same thing. It's boring but hey, there must be some way to fix this problem. Did you know that acccording to this website, the money spent securing the oil rights in Iraq could have fully funded global anti-hunger efforts for 7 years?? That figure alone is worth US$185 billion and climbing.

Whether that statistic is true or not* (and leaving aside the moral issues of the war in Iraq), it shows you that there is a fair bit of loose change rolling around in the pockets of governments in the so-called first world. Is it really still up to you and me to fix this problem? I find it quite offensive that people like Tony Blair make a big deal out of the fact that the government donated such-and-such million quid to cause XYZ and urge all Britons to follow suit. Hang on a second. Where do you think you got the money from in the first place T? Did you wriggle that cute nose of yours Samantha Stevens style?

Frankly, I don't think poverty is the biggest issue on the minds of the people of Niger. I reckon they'd rather have something to eat and the knowledge that they will be able to feed the kids tomorrow, rather than finding out that the G8 summit magnanimously (is there ever a time that word isn't used sarcastically?) agreed to cancel $1 of debt per person in Africa this year. Can you spell empty gesture children? (Hint: G - 8).

With that in mind, here is the text of my letter to the one person that can solve everything. It is no less rational than anything our elected leaders have offered, and frankly, it's more likely to happen.

Dear Jeannie,

Can you come and fix the world for us? We fucked it up pretty bad and nobody seems to be able to put it right. I know that if you fix it for us, there will be some hilarious hi-jinks to contend with. Especially if we invite Dr. Bellows and his wife over for dinner, but it's nothing we can't resolve in 21 minutes plus commercials (or 42 if we make it a two-parter).

Yours in blinking adoration,

mr. mac
xxx

(BTW How hot was Jeannie's evil twin sister with the dark hair?)

*It is a proven fact that 87.463% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Bad dress sense is obviously international.

2005-07-31T17:35:00.000+02:00

Hello and welcome to the second installment of my continuing search for the worst dressed bit of eurotrash. If you cast your mind back, I first shocked you with the ghastly sights I saw on a, frankly, terrible day in Swiss fashion history. You can read it here if you're late to the party. If you get offended by someone making fun of others - look away now. That means you, underdog dancing in rip zips.

It seems that fashion disasters transcend national borders. The Swiss border patrol are ever vigilant in their search for people bringing too much milk back to Switzerland but they haven't done a thing to stop bad fashion mistakes spreading like an insidious cancer across Europe.

Yesterday, the target of my mission was Austria. Lovely place, friendly people and generally just fabulous. I understand the German spoken there a lot better too. We landed in the middle of the Feldkirch Gauklerfestival which was a lot of fun. For those who don't know, a Gaukler is a juggler or circus performer which explained all the street performers.

I was dropped in behind enemy lines and went straight to work. Within minutes, I was accosted by this pair of "hair styles". I concede that you may not have the money to buy nice clothes, but you don't have to pay for your hair. Although maybe these two should be made to pay for this.

Their faces have been obscured (by the backs of their heads) to protect my anonimity

Later, I stumbled across this travesty.

As if the crime of socks and velcro sandals isn't bad enough (and there was plenty of it on display here), we see here a man wearing a pair of Birkenstocks and white sport socks. As a way of drawing attention to this, he decided to turn his jeans into an unevenly cut-off pair of cut-offs, which was nice. This guy didn't have to pay for these shorts or the socks so what's his excuse.

To finish the mission, I found this fetching litle number, which was teamed with a super looking green t-shirt. I only wish that the shot showing his David Beckham-esque facial hair (circa 1999) was visible to you.

Could he be anymore orange? I also want to comment about the streaks. Is that trendy? Is it attractive? I am the first to admit that I am not exactly on the cutting edge of fashion technology but c'mon. Throw me a frickin' bone here.

That finishes my Austrian mission. Not sure where's next. Let's wait and see what Fashion HQ comes up with.

---End transmission---

Licking a window near you soon

2005-07-28T11:05:00.000+02:00

Oh my god!!! I only just found out yesterday, after 15 and a half years of bliss, that my lovely wife is a bona fide mouth breather. The shame and the embarrassment of it all.

Yes dear reader, she is a mouth breather - but only at the swimming pool. It turns out that she is completely unable to breathe out through her nose whilst underwater. You know how you put your face in the water whilst swimming and breathe out through your nose, turn your head out of the water and breathe in, rinse and repeat for the length of your swimming experience. Well, it seems that she cannot do this?!?!

When one is duck diving and generally playing around in the deep end, it is important to be able to breathe out through one's nose so that you don't get water up there whilst you are pretending to be a friendly mermaid or playful killer whale (our favourite pool games). Alas, ms. mac cannot do it!

We were playing a new game called "Find the Snitch", where I had to place the little yellow super ball that we found on the bottom of the pool. Then it would slowly float to the surface (due to its slightly positive buoyancy) and then the rest of the family would dive down underwater and try to catch the snitch. All fun and games till someone makes an embarrassing revelation.

During the game, ms. mac was trying to get the ball on the bottom to give my eardrums a break and she was having trouble getting down there. She is the most positively buoyant person who ever lived. So I told here to breathe out through her nose whilst descending so that she would sink more readily. She said "I can't breathe out through my nose underwater." It's true too! Every time she tried it, she would put her face in the water and try to breathe out through her nose and then come out of the water and let rip with a huge Würst-Käse Salat belch in my face. Turns out that something weird happens to her mouth internals when her face gets wet and she cannot breathe properly.

Above the water she can breathe like a normal human but in the water, she becomes some sort of window-licking retard. What fun!

Who said romance is dead?

2005-07-27T14:20:00.000+02:00

On Monday, I took the lovely wife and children to Germany for our monthly shopping trip. This is a must since we cannot bear to be screwed by the outrageous prices here in Switzerland that one must pay for groceries and food.

Blah blah, we shopped and had lunch and then came home. The End.

However, whilst we were there I bought ms.mac the present of her dreams! Even though her blog is pink, she has a penchant for all things red. I decided to oblige here in the best way a husband can. No, no, we did that later. I'm talking about the most romantic gift of all - the gift of suction (which should actually go wife to husband but that doesn't fit the post.)

Here before you. I present ms. mac's latest red acquisition:

This should keep the little lady occupied whilst I'm out drinking and carousing till all hours of the day and night. Have you ever seen anything more awesome?

I, for one, cannot wait for her to use the full 1800 Watts!
Mmmmm Suction *cums*

Is there anything left to say?

2005-07-24T22:53:00.000+02:00

No apologies, no excuses - I am out of things to say. I think that this past week in the house having a holiday has left me with nowt to say. It seems like someone else is saying all the interesting stuff that has happened recently.

Watched a heap of shitty movies - already blogged by ms. mac here.
The kids have been losing teeth and getting dirty socks. Read about it here and here.
Had my birthday (see here), for which I received a new Sony Dual Layer DVD Burner and have been burning "legally purchased" movies like a machine. I was supposed to go with the lovely ms. mac to get tattooed but typically, this overpriced place we live in meant that we would spend about CHF 700 for the two of us - a little too much to be spending right now. You can read about the rest of that here.

Hopefully, the second week of my holidays will have something worth blogging. Stay tuned (but don't hold your breath).

I'm quite excited!

2005-07-17T20:37:00.000+02:00

Today, I had the fortune of attending the Sauber Formula 1 Team's annual family day. Totally exciting for me because I'm right into the F1 and a chance to get anywhere near F1 machinery and drivers is a big deal for me.

I took a bunch of photos and here are some I wanted to share with you.

As always, it begins and ends with the car:

Then the boss of the team talks about the highs and lows:

Then we introduce the drivers:

Jacques was looking very fit. I always knew he was short, but was really surprised by his upper body size. I guess you need to have strong neck and shoulder muscles for this game:

Felipe Massa also turned up. He was asked about what it was like to drive in Switzerland compared to the race track and he talked about sometimes travelling at 80 km/h and sometimes at 110 km/h. The man doing the interviewing said "but Felipe, the speed limits in Switzerland are 50, 80 and 120 km/h. When were you doing 110?" to which Massa replied "See there is always room to go faster." Champagne Family Day banter!!!

JV's manager, and the man credited (in some circles) with almost killing B.A.R, Craig Pollock was milling around at the back but nobody really noticed him.

and then the guys signed autographs (but only for Sauber Supporter Team Members).

We looked at one of the cars from another angle:

and then I hit the Badi with the family.

All in all, a great day was had by all.

The End

C'mon people...

2005-07-14T16:01:00.000+02:00

Well, I don't know whose hat I shat in? Yesterday's post was an absolute triumph (IMHO) and I got two lousy comments! *doesn't count his own comment as an ACTUAL comment*.

What's up with that. The hit counter is going up (albeit sloooowwwly) so there a handful of people coming by, but not a fucking sausage in the comment box- makes the whole Photoshopping for fun and profit *not an actual program or book* thing seem kind of pointless. Not even a nasty letter from someone about ripping off the abc.com logo on the pic.

Anyway, I guess I'll just go back to the drawing board and see what I can come up with next time - like there's any point...

BTW, Andi, I have created a world map with clickable links for the W.A.T.E.S thing. Will send you a test URL when it's on the web - perhaps you'll have a comment about it. *acknowledges Andi's and ms. mac's tireless commenting committment*

Lost at birth?

2005-07-13T10:49:00.000+02:00

Wow! As you know, Chateau mac is obsessed with all things Lost at the moment. Great show - thoroughly recommend that you all watch it (if you haven't already).

In honour of this (and at the behest of someone special) I have done a looky-likey comparison of two well-known people.

The first is the actor who plays Hurley on Lost. I believe his name is Jorge Garcia.

The second is the popular and utterly fabulous online pundit ms. mac:

Now according to ms. mac*, she and Hugo are possessed of two charming characteristics. Namely, mad hair and fatness. It was totally hilarious when she said it!

I don't think that this is necessarily true, but there are some similarities and in the spirit of blog related fun, I present a wallpaper for your desktop mimicking those available on the Lost website. Apologies for the quality issues.

What do you think? Were these two people born from the same mother at the same time i.e. are they long-lost twins? Only the fullness of time will reveal the truth.

*None of ms. mac's feelings were hurt in this post as she said it herself. As always, I am totally in awe of her goddess-ness and beauty!

Technical difficulties anyone?

2005-07-06T10:34:00.000+02:00

A dear reader informed me of her problems viewing the fabulous awards that were given out yesterday in that frenzied triumph that was the 2005 Go-Crazy Awards for Oustanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

To counter this problem, here is a link to view the awards in all their glory. Hope it works! *hopes it works*

---End transmission---

Ladies and Gentlemen if I could have your attention...

2005-07-05T16:57:00.000+02:00

...the time is upon us to present the final award here at the 2005 Go-Crazy Awards, and it's the big one. The award that will have them talking for weeks to come. You know what I'm talking about right?

This award is given in recognition of the recipients incredible and selfless devotion to progressing the cause of Hornbaggery* throughout Christendom. I can tell you, ladies and gentlemen that the winner was so far ahead of the other nominees that we are even considering naming it after her.

Admittedly, we haven't yet, but there's still time. So, without any further ado, I would like to present the "Go-Crazy Rack of the Month"TM award for services to bustiness, bootyliciousness and all-round bodaciousness, to my favourite all-time hornbag and foxymoron herself, ms. mac...

A big round of applause ladies and gentlemen. Never in the long history of the Go-Crazy Awards has there been a more deserving winner of this prestigious award. I for one am delighted to have the pleasure and privilege of presenting the award to such a worthy winner.

Bravo to ms. mac and to that utterly fabulous rack.

*Hornbaggery (noun): The act of being totally hot and sexy. A rare quality only found in exceptional circumstance.

A bit of Shoosh please.*

2005-07-05T16:34:00.000+02:00

After the frenzy of the "Go-Crazy Hun(g)k of the Month"TM award ceremony, I thought that there wouldn't be anything to top it.

Well, how wrong I was. You see, whilst I was beavering away here at the offices of Go-Crazy Enterprises, the boffins in the Media Centre have been creating new and exciting awards for all of us to aspire to.

The first of these new awards has been instituted to acknowledge the special achievements that some bloggers make in public service and as a tribute to their arresting personality and good looks.

Lady and gentleman, it gives me great pleasure in announcing that the winner of the first-ever "Go-Crazy Arrest of the Week"TM is the wonderful .....

Andi McNapp - she's certainly captured the hearts of our judges.

It's a fair cop guv'nor. I'll come along quietly, although maybe I'll struggle a bit (fnar fnar).

Don't go away, the 2005 Go-Crazy Awards will be back after these short messages from our sponsors.

* That's what you'll hear from the drunken best man at every Aussie wedding, when he is about to begin the speeches. Also heard at footy presentation nights around the country.

This just in...

2005-07-05T12:05:00.000+02:00

Or: Raising the bar in the shameless sucking-up stakes.

Oh my God!!! I have just been informed of a late breaking development here at the Go-Crazy Media Information Centre. The management has given me the pleasure, nay, honour of announcing the award of the inaugural "Go-Crazy Hun(g)k of the Month"TM

The award, which was created by order of Her Majesty, celebrates the spectacular efforts of one "special" individual every month, who is the embodiment of all things hun(g)ky and displays an inordinate amount of general all-round fabulousness.

So, without further ado, it gives me great pleasure to announce that the winner of the inaugural "Go-Crazy Hun(g)k of the Month"TM award is none other than the amazingly lovely, Mr. Jonathan from Whateva Sista!

*air kisses all round*
Mwwwaaahhh. Congratulations WS!. A thoroughly deserving recipient of this most prestigious of awards.

Ladies, and gentlemen, that's all we have time for right now. Thanks for watching this paid telecast on behalf of Go-Crazy Enterprises. For the entire Go-Crazy team, this is mr. mac wishing you a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

As to the future and what's next? Stay tuned...

(C) Go-Crazy Enterprises 2005

Breaking rule No. 5*

2005-07-05T09:20:00.000+02:00

I came across this pic the other day (not literally, obviously) and decided that it deserved to be blogged, but then on the advice of someone who shall remain nameless, I held it back, in case the person in the pic was actually known to us. (Bear in mind that anyone who was actually in this pic would not be someone I would want to know all that well - unless I already know you, in which case you and the photo are fabulous!).

The upshot of waiting, was that the cat was "let out of the bag" by someone else in the Bloggies and now I'm spewing!

So, in the spirit of fun, we were going to have another caption comp. It was all for charity and the winner would have gotten a bag of world-famous Choc Locos to donate to Live 8 or to eat whilst waiting in line to buy the DVD of the concert or something....but now, we're not having one. The fun has been ruined for everyone and I am in the huff - BIG TIME**.

I also realise that this totally contradicts my tagline "Now with 78.8% less cats" and for that I apologise. I for one, hate cats *waits for barrage of abuse from cat-lovers* and wouldn't normally feature them on my blog, but this one has a pic of something near and dear to the hearts of at least one of the Bloggies committee members (teehee 'member') so that is my rationale for posting the pic.

Next post will be 100% less cats - promise!

*see here for an explanation of the rules.
**petulance added for comedic effect.

Disclaimer:
If this was your pic and you didn't feel happy about it's display on the internets, you probably should have thought about that before you took it!

Funny things ms. mac has asked me recently...

2005-06-30T14:43:00.000+02:00

In a previous post (the one directly below, I believe), the bodacious and bootylicious ms. mac asked me a question about sonic booms. The question was quite a good one and certainly not the silliest thing she's ever asked me. However, the route that we took to get to that question was a little bit...silly, shall we say?

1. Picture it! Zürich, 2005. A beautiful young peasant girl and her ruggedly handsome husband are travelling to the airport in their horse-drawn, vintage Mercedes.

ms. mac: I wonder how long it will take to get to Paris.
mr. mac: Only about an hour, probably less, I'd think.
ms. mac: Cool! Is that because of how fast the plane will be going? Do you think we'll break the sound barrier? Will there be a sonic boom?*
mr. mac: *Laughs indulgently in that superior manner employed by all husbands when asked "technical " questions by their wives* No m'dear, it's because of how close it is! You will be nowhere near the sound barrier.
ms. mac: Oh ok - that's a shame. So, what causes a sonic boom then?

and....scene!

2. Yesterday, whilst talking very articulately about the lack of progress that the governments of the world have made in combatting poverty, we somehow got onto the talk of numbers. ms. mac made a very forthright statement about the billions, nay trillions of dollarpounds that could be spent to end poverty (and quite rightly too). Then, in a totally endearing but still quite silly way asked the question: "Trillions are more than billions, right?" Yes baby, they are, and gajillions are more than trillions.

I ask you, what's not to love about this woman?

*small amount of embellishment included for comedic effect

Answering ms. mac's challenge

2005-06-26T11:07:00.000+02:00

ms. mac asked me a question on the way to the airport yesterday morning:
"What causes a sonic boom?" and she also posed the supplementary question: "Can a pilot hear the sonic boom that his aircraft creates?"

I'll answer the first question first (which seems logical):

When an aircraft travels through air, it leaves a wake behind it just like a speedboat does as it travels across a lake. Of course, the wake is a three-dimensional cone rather that a two-dimensional vee.

Now, remember the last time you were at the lake and those arseholes were cruising up and down the lake whilst you were trying to relax in the middle? Do you remember the sound as the waves from the boat's wake crashed onto the shore? As the plane flies along, it drags the cone of pressure waves along behind it like a skirt. As the waves of air crash into the surface of the land below and behind the aircraft, we hear a sound like an explosion. The sound of the turbulent waves of air "smash" into the ground is the sonic boom.

In answer to the second question, the pilot doesn't hear the sound because he is travelling faster than the sound waves so they cannot reach him.

In other news:

The Grumpi was an exceedingly long day and all of us left here at chateau mac are exhausted. The Feuerball team from Ewan's class didn't have the best of finshes and football was clearly the winner in that case. The Patrick Stars posted an exceptional 5th (out of 5) so again football was the winner.

However, the Crazy Cows team were absolutley storming and managed to come a very creditable 3rd. Yours truly blasted home a pair of exceptional goals that ms. mac failed to see, owing to her Paris based absence.

I am nbow paralysed and will be forced to drag myself around the house on a skateboard a la Eddie Murphy in Trading Places till the muscles repair and the broken bones knit.

God I feel old!!!

Fuck me, it's hot!

2005-06-23T08:23:00.000+02:00

Weather is absolutley roasting here at the moment. All it does is make me want to live at the Badi. Anyway, this post is basically about nothing and to preview my next exciting post regarding my trip to the Top of Europe on the Jungfraujoch. Admittedly, the highest mountain in Europe is Mont Blanc, but that's in France and well.....

Here is a sneak preview of what's coming

That is me in the obligatory "stand by your mountain" blog pic. For the non-cynics out there that is the Jungfrau and I am actually standing on the Joch which runs between the Jungrau and the Monch. An awesome day and I will tell you all about it soon.

In other news, the SBB (the Swiss Railway) suffered a catastrophe yesterday whilst I was waiting to catch my train. They had a total power failure in the entire Swiss railway network and no trains ran at all through Switzerland. I am flabbergasted because as you know, the trains in Switzerland are legendary models of cleanliness and efficiency.

The funniest part of the the story though is that I had my iPod in my ears and didn't hear the first of the announcements telling us that there were no trains coming for an indefinite period. It wasn't till I looked at my watch and saw that my train was late, looked at the signal boards on the platforms and realised that they had all gone blank at the same time. Fucking hell! What's going on here as I yanked the earbuds out of my ears and strained to understand the station announcement made in Swiss German over the tannoy. What a life, hey?

And did I tell you, it's hot? Fuck me!

I'd like to get to know you....

2005-06-17T09:05:00.000+02:00

I shamelessly ripped this off from ms. mac, but hey, what are wives for if you can't nick their stuff. Besides, she has been nicking my stuff a lot lately herself. I have said some cracking little one-liners around the house and she has gone and used them on the blogs TM before I've had a chance. If you don't believe me, ask her yourself.

So here is a probing meme about moi:

What time did you get up this morning? 06:08. First alarm at 06:00, one snooze cycle and into the shower. I used to get up as soon as the alarm went off, but thanks to my snooze-addicted spouse, I have to set the alarm an hour before I need to get up so we can snooze a bit longer. Of course, there is no actual extended sleep time - what am I? Hard of telling the time?
Diamonds or pearls? If I'm buying, it's cubic zirconia the whole way baby! Except for ms. mac - rubies are the way to that girl's heart.
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Star Wars Episode III : Revenge of the Sith. Read my review here.
What is your favourite TV show(S)? The Sopranos, The Daily Show, ER, American Chopper, The Simpsons and Top Gear
What is your middle name? William - the most regal thing about me.
What is your favorite cuisine? I can't pick one so I'll say Asian i.e. Chinese, Thai, Indian, Vietnamese. God, anything with rice really.
What foods do you dislike? Have you seen me lately? The obvious answer is none, but in truth, I can't stand the thought of any offal type products. Having said that, I love, love, LOVE Asda Black Pudding.
What is your favourite crisp/chip flavour? Like most of us, this changes over time. As a kid, I loved Samboy Atomic Tomato, but the all-time fave rave is Chicken Flavoured Ruffles. Much love to anyone who can send me a bag of Chicken Ruffles.
What is your favourite CD at the moment? I don't "buy" that many CDs anymore, but my fave at the mo' is still Aha Shake Heartbreak by the Kings of Leon. Do yourself a favour and check it out.
What is your favorite song? Temptation by New Order - the most amazing song ever!
What kind of vehicle do you drive? "Vintage" Mercedes 230TE
What is your favourite sandwich? Chicken Caesar Salad Baguette (chateau mac speciality!)
What characteristics do you despise? Unfaithfulness and infidelity (of any kind).
What is your favourite item of clothing? My groovy new boot-cut jeans. They have a button fly and until recently, I couldn't buy those sort of clothes. Yay for no longer being relegated to the Mr Big selections!
If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go? Caribbean to an all-inclusive resort for the whole mac clan
What colour is your bathroom? It's predominantly white with grey flashes on the tiles. to be honest, I don't really care. I spent so long showering in stainless steel cubicles (the latest style onboard warships), so ceramic is a nice change.
What colour pants are you wearing? Red boxers and my wholemeal linen trousers... We all now how much ms. mac loves red, right?
Where would you retire? - Somewhere really close to the CBD / shopping and entertainment area and the beach. In some sort of fabulous penthouse type arrangement - Bondi beach / St. Kilda anyone?
What is your favourite time of the day? Room for One More TM shower time.
What is your most memorable birthday? Probably my 21st which was celebrated in Halifax, Nova Scotia in 1990. It was noteworthy because I got pissed onboard HMCS Can't Remember and then went clubbing in Halifax. Climbed back into the naval base over the fence because I was too pissed to find the gate, ripped my new jeans. 10 metres beyond the point I climbed over was the gate. Typical!
What's the last thing you ate? Aldi brand cornflakes with milk.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black. Sensible and practical with the ability to do plenty of damage in the wrong hands.
Who is your favorite cartoon character? Homer J. Simpson or Wile E. Coyote
What is your favorite flower? My wife's.
What fabric detergent do you use? I don't use any, but I think ms. mac uses Persil. I just don't do it right, apparently.
Do you wish on stars? I wish I could lie on top of some stars (Julieanne Moore, Uma Thurman, Kate Moss, Kate Fischer {is she even a star anymore?}...the list is endless). Does that count?
What is your shoe size? Euro 46 / Aussie 12
Do you have any pets? Not anymore, have had a couple of dogs and a heap of tropical fish.
Last person you talked to on the phone? ms. mac who is "enjoying" an end-of-week wrap up of Projektwoche (Project Week) at James's school.
What did you want to be when you were little? A chef.
What are you meant to be doing now? My company is embroiled in some crazy "Work for your pay"initiative so there are plenty of things I should be doing. I am currently parallel processing this post with some spare parts price calculations and collating some logistic data. Later, I will be.....oh, sorry. did you just nod off then? I know I did!
What do you first notice about someone?

Face
Shoes (don't ask me why)
Gender
The fleshy bits in between 1 and 2

What was your favourite toy as a child? My Dukes of Hazzard slot car set. Fuck that was awesome!
Summer or winter? Winter for me - you can wear such nice clothes without being too hot. Summer for everyone else - loving the skimpy outfits and sandals on the girls lately.
Hugs or Kisses? Can't I have both?
Chocolate or vanilla? Ditto.
Living arrangements? Currently (and for the last 15 years) the Hunk in Residence at Chateau Mac.
When was the last time you cried? I try to minimise the crying - bad for the complexion.
What is under your bed? ms. mac's head hair, my body hair, dust, a sleeping bad, discarded trash mags. Could be a couple of tissues with genetic material on them too, but they tend to go in the bin. Too much info anybody?
In how many cities have you lived? Sydney, Melbourne and Zurich but always in a suburb / village approximately 45 minutes from the city.
Favourite movie of all time? Pulp Fiction or Mr. Roberts or Goodfellas or Shawshank Redemption or Magnolia. Can't / won't pick one
Mountains or beach? The beach.
Full names of your potential kids? Patrick, James and Ewan are the names of my actual kids. There are no more potential kids possible, unless they are sourced from some external supply. Meaning that ms. mac will have some splaining to do!
What is your usual bedtime? 11-12pm

There you go. You know a little bit more about me now, than you did before. Aren't you glad?

15 years is a long time, right?

2005-06-15T08:20:00.000+02:00

Today is a very special day. Today is the 15th anniversary* of the night that ms. mac and I met.** We enjoyed a whirlwind romance and married only six months later, and today we are still together and still happy.
Admittedly, I exude a somewhat suffocating type of love but it is absolutely genuine and I love this woman more than ever.

I look forward to the next 15 years and cannot wait to celebrate 15.06.20.

Fingers crossed!

*Normally we don't take any stock in those people who consider the anniversary of their meeting to be the start of their marriage, but for us the two events happened so close together that we will let ourselves off this time. Right ms. mac?

**ms. mac has a very funny and historically accurate post about the night we met and you can read it here.

And the winner is...

2005-06-14T15:05:00.000+02:00

May I have the envelope please.

*pauses to build tension as the eagerly anticipated announcement is made*

....Jonathan....*crowd goes beserk*

Yes, lady and gentleman, I am pleased to announce that the wittiest and most amusing answer to yesterday's What's wrong with this picture quiz came from Jonathan of Whateva Sista! fame.

His entry "... because it's a naked woman? As we know, naked women should not be allowed in public... Only naked men! But only the cute ones! :) " grabbed the judges attention with its high camp sensibilities and typical cash in on the GaysTM and their amusing tendency to reject the female form as something a little bit icky.

Special mentions (in no particular order):

Andi (There is a half drunk glass of beer on the first table! Who leaves beer? Not me that's for sure!) Who indeed Andrea, who indeed?
Gina ( The room is full of guys and yet there is a naked girl and beers left alone?????) Love the Gravatar pic too Gina.
mrs b (perhaps the beer made her gassy and she let one rrrrrip??!?!) I hope not, that would be a shame to spoil the party.
Karen (SHE'S NOT A "SHE" AT ALL! She's a DUDE!) Ewwww! Thanks Karen, that's another image relegated to my 'private files'.

Thanks to all our contestants, but as The Kurgan in Highlander said "There can be only one!"

The pic was sent to me in an email and was titled Schwulenparty.jpg This is poingant because schwul is German for gay. Obviously, the originator of the email thought that the guys standing at the other end of the tent from the naked woman were exhibiting some homosexual tendencies. Jon managed to tune into that vibe (I wonder how??) and came up with his inspired answer.

The ACTUAL answer to the question is that there is a coffee cup in the foreground of the picture. What leather clad bikers (straight, gay or bi) are drinking coffee at a party irrespective of the clothing status of any nearby chicks?

Jon, keep an eye on your slot (mail not male) for your prize.

Have you no mirrors in your house?

2005-06-13T20:58:00.000+02:00

Today, I'm trying something a little different. Yes that's right, I am going underground to become an urban, guerilla cameraman. Have phonecam - will snap pics.

But what will you take pics of mr. mac? Well, I'm glad you asked. The answer is simple

CRIMES AGAINST FASHION - SWISS STYLE

and for those of you with even the slightest hint of irony, you'll see that I used "style" right next to the word Swiss.

As I travel to and from my office every day, my senses are assaulted by various crimes against nature. Nay, against God himself. The Swiss are the worst dressed people I've ever met. But the saddest thing of all is that they actually pay top dollar for the gear they stroll around in. It beggars belief!

So in order to interest and amuse my avid reader (not a typo) I would like to present to you the first in a series of bad outfits seen solange ich unterwegs bin / en route (French and German in one post - I'm like, SO continental).

This fetching number was seated opposite me on the bus. I concede that with skin that colour - she ain't Swiss but it's all in the spirit so for the purpose of the exercise, she's in Switzerland - 'nuff said, roight?

As you can see, the ensemble is actually lilac in colour with a fetching trim of purple and lilac in a geometric pattern. The observant amongst you will note that the band which ties her braided locks matches the trim. The judges award this outfit very high marks.

Now, let's see the competition -

Mmmm, socks and rip-zips (sandals with velcro fastening) - I'm all funny inside whenever I see this "style". As you can see (apologies for the blurry pic - phonecams aren't so great), he has teamed with that theme and added a jaunty little terry towelling headband. What an awesome display from the young man. The moustache, the daisies he painted on his camera body (I wish you could see them - they're worth the admission price alone), the powder blue long-sleeved t-shirt. It's a story and a total triumph!

Tune in next time to see what I manage to dig up whilst trawling the fetid underbelly that is urban Switzerland.

Bis Später, Tschüss

---End Transmission---

What's wrong with this picture?

2005-06-13T14:12:00.000+02:00

Here is an interesting picture from a party that took place somewhere in Switzerland.

Today's question is indeed, what's wrong with this picture? The way I see it, something is glaringly wrong at this party. Can you see it too?

Answers on a postcard (or in the comments box) and the most correct (or most amusing) answer wins a prize. Most probably a packet of Choco Locos because that's what we give away at chateau mac.

For a chance to win another great prize (a second packet of Choco Locos) go over to ms. mac and answer her simple quiz - but be quick, someone is bound to guess soon.

It's real* - honest!

2005-06-12T22:24:00.000+02:00

Greetings my young Padawan apprentices. I have been waiting for you. Yesterday, as the midichlorians in his system were at their peak, we had to prepare our youngest for his final steps on the patth to the darkside. See here for details.

Now as you can see, his transformation is complete. I now present you with the Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Ewan.

Hmmm, turned is he! Consumed him, the dark side has!

*No digital images were harmed in the production of this picture.

So how was it for you then?

2005-06-12T18:07:00.000+02:00

Hello everyone, I'm sure you're desperate to know what happened with the Nescafe Xpress

that I was duped to buy after seeing the McLaren F1 car on Thursday. Well the truth of the matter is that the drink was shite! It just goes to show that I was absolutely correct. If you dress it up well, and then present it with something that I couldn't possibly resist, I'll buy it.

But the mindless consumerism stops there! If it doesn't taste any good I'm not going back. Lets be honest, there is no way on God's green earth that drinking Nescafe Xpress is going to make me look like an early 20's, blonde, Finnish F1 racing driver. I can't see me squeezing myself into an MP4-20, no matter how much iced coffee I drink.

However, in order to consume some cyberspace, I present to you a nostalgic look at my favourite iced coffees through the ages:

Oak Iced Coffee.
When we were little, we used to travel to North Haven for Christmas holdiays at my grandmother's house. The whole time was at the beach and invariably I would fall off my bike at some point in the holiday. Unfailoingly, my wounds would be dabbed in Friar's Balsom and I'd be told "Get in that surf and get the saltwater on the sore. It'll do it the world of good." Fucking stung like a biotch every single time...

But the big point here is about the Iced Coffee. At a place called Hexham there was a dairy factory that ran a restaurant and we would often stop there for a burger and an iced coffee. This was before the Pacific Highway was a huge free way with nothing but planned McDonalds stops every 150km.

It always tasted good and came in a glass. The Oak dairy concern got pretty big and they started to sell the stuff throughout NSW in cartons. A good brew, but a little to light on the coffee for my taste. Rating: 7.5 / 10
Moove Iced Coffee
This was the big one in NSW for my whoile childhood. It came in a bunch of flavours; strawberry, chocolate, banana(?), lime and of course, iced coffee.

I loved the stuff as a kid, and my lunch order from theschool tuck shop on Fridays (that was the only day I didn't have devon and barbecue sauce) was invariably one sausage roll w/s (with sauce), one chocolate donut and one iced coffee Moove.
Nostalgia rating: 9 / 10 but a little too sweet these days- Rating: 8 / 10
Big M - Victoria's Finest
When I first went away to join the Navy, Victoria was my home and I stayed there for more than a year with training and learning to wear my hat at just the right angle. It was here that my love for the deadly Iced Coffee Big M began. The stuff was amazing. We used to sneak out of thte recruit school in our sports gear and go over to the Millionaire's Club a.k.a Millies (it was called the Millionaire's Club because it was full of "payday millionaires - young sailors who spent everything they had on junkfood every payday till they were old enough to buy beer and then never set foot in there again) and geta crumbed sausage (ok, TWO crumbed sausages) and an Iced Coffee Big M. Pure manna from heaven. Navy cooks were called Fitters and turners because they would fit food into pots and turn it into shit, so the helpings of junkfood kept us sane. If we'd have only eaten the navy scran we'd be deader than purple A-line flares with pockets in the knees.

Still an awesome drink, but not my favourite now that I have an adult palate. Too sweet. Rating: 9.5/10
IC Strong Iced Coffee
This came out a little while ago and has been my firm favourite ever sice. It actually tastes a bit like coffee and is strong as! This one will keep you going long after the others have let you down. Goes perfectly with a sausage roll from Brumbys too. Rating: 10 / 10

The only disappointment here is that there is no picture of IC Strong Iced Coffee to show you what I am talkin about. Cannot find one anywhere. Today's mr. mac challenge - send me a copy of a pic of the bottle and you'll win a prize.

Can't somone help a brutha out?

---End transmission---

Marketing 101...

2005-06-09T23:12:00.000+02:00

...or how to get me to buy your shit.

An open letter to Marketing types everywhere.

Dear Marketing Type,

I am a 30-something father of three with a limited budget for non-essentials in my life. The task for you is how do you wrest me of my hard earned (and jealously guarded) Swiss Franks? What is the best way to part this fool from his money?

Here's a tip from the genii at Nescafè....

...whatever your pushing, put a Formula 1TM car next to your stand. I would buy bags of dried dog turds if there was an F1 car anywhere near the checkout. This one in particular comes from my fave team West McLaren Mercedes.

I remain,

yours in abject consumerism,

mr. mac

For the no-marketing types amongst you, here is the story. We went to the supermarket today, to pick up some fizzy water and grab a sneaky kebab from Zuri Oberland Doner Kebap. As we got to the top of the escalator / moving ramp, the site of Kimi's F! car greeted us. Shrewd bit of marketing cos I was enthralled. I love F1 and McLaren are my fave team. Here are a few other pics I took of the car. Enjoy!

In a shameless bit of comment whoring, what would entice you to buy a bag of dried up dog turds? Answers on a postcard please (or in the comment box - you choose).

Go Crazy Consumer Information

2005-06-09T22:48:00.000+02:00

Today, I want to share with you both my latest sauce related discovery. As you are well aware, I love to eat sausages. There is a particular style of sausage available to us in Germany called the Bratwurst vom Schwein. Here in Switzerland they are known as Bauern Bratwurst. These translate as Sausage from Pig and Farm Style Sausage. Me and James just call 'em yum!

What goes well with a grilled / barbecued suasage? Sauce or as its called here Ketchup. The featured ketchup today is the Mexican Grill Ketchup from our friends at Heinz.

Make no mistake people, this shit is the shizznit! It tastes absolutley brilliant. Basically it is like salsa flavoured tomato sauce. Now I realise that this doesn't sound so good, but believe me it is great! Every sauce covered mouthful of sauage-y goodness is like manna from heaven. Really saying something since I don't really like ketchup being more of a BBQ sauce man. In fact, when people are getting cayenne pepper on their tongues for swearing, I (as an example) for swearing, get ketchup put on my tongue because I like the hot stuff but hate the ketchup.

This brings me to my only complaint - it is billed as Fiesta Feurig (Party Hot - whatever that means). Pretty pissweak if you ask me! I reckon that the Allies secret weapon should only have been to put some black pepper in the Nazi food rations - these bloody Germans have the wussiest palates - WWII would have been over by October 4th, 1939 if they'd followed my advice.

Anyway, the mr. mac sausage accompaniment rating: 9 / 10

Almost got left behind...

2005-06-09T22:47:00.000+02:00

Well, as an update to my last entry, I guess you should know what happened directly after I made the pre-flight blog. What happened? Was it exciting? Did I miss the plane?

As a matter of fact I nearly did! You see, I was sitting there happily blogging n the Silver Kris Lounge at Singapore Airport and was keeping a close eye on the time till I would have to head off to my boarding gate. I finalised my post, shut down my pc (how bloody long does Windows 2000 take to shut down?) and headed out to make my way to gate F56. On the way out, I cast a seasoned traveller's eye over the departure board that they generously provide in the lounge and much to my chagrin, the flight was announced as LAST CALL! Oh my God, I'd only been at the airport for SIX HOURS but I still needed to run across Changi Airport to get to my flight. What a bloody tosser!

Anyway, as always happens, the people on the moving walkway thought that they were at an amusement park and decided to block the path of the seasoned travellers. SInce I was lacking ms. mac's Velo bell to announce my upcomingness, I used the male equivalent - a burly " EXCUSE ME!" and like the Red Sea, the dawdlers parted before me.

I was still a bit freaked out as I rushed to the gate only to find that I needed to take off my jacket, unpack my laptop and blah blah blah to get through the X-ray inspection. Imagine my disappointment to get through all this and then find out that the boarding gate is full and the plane had not even begun boarding.

To finish off, I went straight to the doors clearly marked First / Raffles Class and immediately made my way to the forward door of the 747-400 where the gorgeous Singapore Airlines trolley dollies greeted me by name (how did they know?) and handed me a hot towel and a glass of champers - fabulous sweetie. As always, a total triumph.

I'm on the final leg

2005-06-02T16:56:00.000+02:00

Just a quick one from the Silver Kris lounge at Singapore. I am winging my way Zurich with SQ346 and am absolutely laden with gifts for the delectable ms. mac. According to her Blog, her hair and boobs are looking fabulous today. I hope that tomorrow brings similarly outstanding results. Although her hair will be a bit messy when I get through with her - oo er missus.

I have decided to christen this the pink trip because everything I have got for ms. mac is pink. The list is semi-secret, so I'll not let the cat of the bag yet. Suffice to say that there is a pink iPod, pink perfume, pink sandals and tongs. They aren't pink but they are essential to our culinary survival in Switzerland.

The tongs in question are the kind you get in Oz made of aluminium, with a spring and a pin holding them together at the end. You absolutley cannot get them in Switzerland. I shit you not! Anyway, I bought the entire supply in Safeway Elsternwick when I was in Oz. Along with about four kilos of Oxo brand stock cubes, the safety and sanctity of the chateau mac kitchen is assured.

Anyway, I'm off before they close the flight and don't let me board. Not travelling on the top deck of the 747 tonight, I wanted a window and they were all taken upstairs. I'm slumming it in Raffles calss on the main deck. It's not as good believe me!

Bye for now. Next blog from Chateau mac (if I've got the energy wink wink).

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Happy Birthday Ewan

2005-05-30T15:54:00.000+02:00

Unbelievably to everyone who knows him, this guy is 8 years old today.

He is a bit of a goose and a lot of a cutie. Here we see him cranking out the air guitar - he's a guitar legend this boy!

Have a great day matey, I love you and miss you heaps. See ya on Friday.

Dad
xxx

I couldn't eat another thing...

2005-05-30T15:24:00.000+02:00

I need to get on the ms. mac exercise regime and STAT!!! Of course, I will be getting on the "exercise regime" the minute I get through the door, but I mean the actual 'don't weigh so much at the end of it' regime. This will revolve around things like this too.

Malaysia has been (as previously reported) an absolute bust on my diet. I have done nothing but eat since I got here. That would be fine if I was whippet thin and had abs like WS!, but unfortunately, I have an ab. It's a washboard - for woollens. Now this is not an impediment to being H-O-T in some circles, but I have made good progress lately, thanks largely to the tutelage and efforts of ms. mac. It seems a shame to waste the work, so I'm on the Huffy Puffy program (both in the good way and the bad way) when I get home.

Having said that, I absolutely must share what I had for dinner last night with you both. We were searching for something authentically Asian and we found it!

We went to a footpath restaurant which had all these tables with gas bottles and burners on them. Looks interesting, what's that big steaming pot on the table there. It was something called a Steamboat.

A spicy broth called Tom Yam - chilli, fish stock, lemongrass, kaffir lime leaves - awesome! Accompanying this you receive a huge plate of rice vermicelli noodles and a correspondingly huge plate of seafood - prawns, squid, cuttlefish, octopus, dumplings, fishballs, tofu pieces (fried and raw), quail eggs and assorted greens.

Basically, you wait till the Tom Yam is boiling, then stir in the noodles and the fish stuff. Let it cook and serve yourself a bowl with your individual ladle. I tell you, the flavour is incredible. It is very hot though, so if you are a bit of a nancy, you can have it with chicken soup too.

I need to lie down, I am exhausted from the sheer effort of swallowing all the yumminess that Malaysia has to offer. I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Stay tuned!

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Update from the Go-crazy Asian Outpost

2005-05-28T03:53:00.000+02:00

Selamat Datang...Welcome to the Malaysian update from your intrepid traveller.

I have been busy this week sweating my arse off in the Malaysian climate here in Melaka. This is a great place! Despite having to spend every day working, my colleagues and I have had the opportunity to experience a lot of what Malaysia has to offer.

The biggest thing about Malaysia is the mix of cultures. There are three main ethnic groups here:

Native Malays - also known as Bumiputera and the majority of the population. They are all(?) Muslims and occupy many positions of power in the country.
Chinese - these people are the largest minority and are typically hard-working and very clever. Why do you think that there are so many Chinese Malaysian doctors in Australia? They form the majority of overseas students that travel to universities in Australia, UK, US etc.
Indians - they were brought to Malaysia during the time of the British rule to be employed as estate workers. You would be forgiven for thinking that you were in India when you are talking with them. They have maintained a strong ethnic identity whilst integrating into the Malaysian society.

So whats with the anthropology? Well I'm glad you asked. As you know, it's all about the food at chateau mac. We are very enthusiastic about eating and enjoy sampling the delights of wherever we go. Here in Malaysia I have eaten a wide variety of delicious foods since I arrived.

When we first got here, we had some Chinese (with a Malaysian twist) which was very good. They use chilli in everything so if you're a wuss - stay home! Then we went out and had Satay sticks and Kway Tieow. The satay sticks are self explanatory, but the Kway Tieow is a broad flat noodle dish which is fried in a wok and then served with an eggy sort of gravy. There is always a good mix of seafood in it such as prawns, squid and octopus. The place we went for the satay was like a huge shed and the man out the front cooking the sticks was slaving over this fire for hours, fanning it with a banana leaf fan - just across the road from apartment buildings - bizarre! There were about 8 of us for dinner that night and we were ordering the sticks in lots of 20 or so. They were small strips of beef and chicken and grilled to perfection.

The next night was a steaming bowl of fish ball noodle soup - and no WS! fish balls are not the delight YOU think they are! A clear broth with mee noodles (that's probably a tautology) fish balls, crab claw and non-descript (but delicious) greens. Great

Thursday was Curry Laksa - ms. mac's favourite! This a coconut and red curry flavoured soup with noodles, prawns, chicken, greens and fried tofu. Awesome!!! It is imposible to eat without wearing a large portion of the soup so don't wear your best shirt for laksa.

Last night my Chinese Malaysian friend took us to a roadside Chinese food court. I'm going back so there will be pics - don't worry. Dinner was Char Kway Tieow, Char Siew Pork, Crispy Skin Pork, Herbal soup with Pork Ribs, Curried Stingray and these crazy boiled barley drinks that were slightly strange but very cooling. Can you see the porky theme? I was moaning that there is no dead pig in a Muslim country and Ho said, yes there is - let's go and get some. It was an easy stroll from thje hotel and well worth the trip. In all, dinner cost RM30 which is about CHF10 so you can eat well for next to nothing. I heart Malaysia!

See youse all later.

And a big Happy Birthday to my Mum who is celebrating her 23rd birthday for the 36th time today. Happy Birthday Mum xxx

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Star Wars Episode 3

2005-05-22T01:32:00.000+02:00

Hi Folks,

Just a quick blog from the Silver Kris Lounge at Sydney Airport. Last night, I went to see the latest (and lastest) installment in the Star Wars franchise. I have to say that after the disappointment of the previous two offerings, granted the Clone Wars one was ok, I was not only pleasantly surprised, I actually thought it rocked!

Maybe this is because I went to the cinema on my own after walking from my hotel down to the Macquarie Centre in North Ryde. Be that as it may, the content of the film is something you'll see for yourself, so I'm sayin' nowt! What I do want to tell you about is the experience of going to the movies on your own as a saddo busines-type dude 12,000 miles from home.

Firstly, walking from a hotel complex in suburban Sydney to anywhere is a bit of an exercise in adventure tourism. This is not becasue of the marauding gangs of guys in their hotted up Commodores, but because of the logistics involved in navigating. When you're in the car, if you go the wrong way, you just turn around and go the other way. The principle is the same on foot, but the effort involved is significantly more. To illustrate this point, I will explain about how I went down Herring Rd. towards the Macquarie Centre and found the place no trouble. The thing is, that the shopping centre / movie complex is frickin' huge and the majority of the small village required to house this behemoth is taken up bythe carpark! All the lights were off at the front of the centre so I thought I would follow the neon sign around to the cinema complex - BIG MISTAKE!!! I ended up traipsing through about fourteen levels of the multi-storey carpark trying to find a way into the cinema bit. The only navigation points I had were those crappy signs that they put on the roof to "navigate" you while your looking for your carspace. They just don't cut it on foot!

Anyway, after a couple of hours, I found the entrance to the cinema and made my way optimistically to the ticket queue. No problems on getting a seat for the 20:45 session, just make your way through to Cinema 6 please. I went around there about 20 mins before the session and since it was only day 3 of the film in Oz, the queue to get a seat went around the corner and up the stairs. That would be fine, I'm a cultured person quite able to wait my turn for something. Now this is something they just don't do in Switzerland, but that's not for here as Marjorie Dawes would say. What annoys me though is when a geek in front of me, yells out to a bunch of people he goes to uni with and invites them to join him in the line. One person I can handle - 6 people. "Oi, fuck off to the back of the line ya wankers!!!" Or at least that's what I was thinking. What I said was - nothing. If ms. mac had of been there, we would have been getting ready to rumble. She has an endearing quality I like to call agressive politeness. Couple that with an uncanny knack of saying what she thinks, and you have a recipe for trouble. It's never dull with her at the shops. I think she managed to get a written warning for a British Airways check-in chick once.

So I got into the cinema, found a good three seats on the end of a row that were not occupado and sat down. The bunch of teenage girls next to me were annoyingly loud but I figured they'll be quiet once the movie starts. I wish that was my only trouble! During the "pre-game show" portion where they play the ads etc, an old, hugely fat wheezy man hauled his old, fat, wheezy carcass up the stairs and looked for a place to sit. I was praying he wouldn't sit next to me but, you guessed it, to my horror, he literally fell into the seat next to me, huffing and puffing (and not in the good way) for the next 2 hours and 26 minutes. Fucking hell. I was leaning to the left trying to get some space and some air, and my arse was getting numb as hell, but I didn't want any part of us to touch. Not because I'm worried about touching another man. That's no problem - but this guy was old, fat and wheezy FFS! Anway, to cut a long story (and geez this turned out to be an epic) I made it through the movie - old, fat, wheezy guy snored, snorted and wheezed in my ear for 2 hours 26 minutes and then it was over. It kind of made it special though. For most viewers of Star Wars Episode Three - Revenge of the Sith, Darth Vader doesn't turn up until the last 15 minutes, but I got to sit next to him for the whole fucking film - which was nice!

As I got up to leave, I found that I could have pulled up the arm of the chair next to me and used up the spare seat that was next to me thus alleviating the oldness, the fattnes and the wheeziness that I lived through for the whole 2 hours and 26 minutes. It just goes to show how often the inhabitants of chateau mac get to the cinema!

Anyway, off to Singers now (that's Singapore, Kim) and then a couple of weeks in Malaysia. Don't know about bloggability up there. Let's play it by ear shall we?

Tschüss

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How should I have spent ms. mac's birthday?

2005-05-20T15:35:00.000+02:00

Well, amidst the whirlwind celebrations of the Queen of Blogdoms birthday, I found myself physically separated by some 12,ooo miles from the seat of the excitement.

To console myself, I decided to live it up and take my Swiss colleagues on the cook's tour of Sydney.

We went to Benelong Point, site of the Sydney Opera House and saw

The Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Then we turned on the spot and saw

The Opera House.

As if that wasn't enough, we strolled through

Circular Quay and around to the Rocks.

Having seen the Sydney Harbour foreshore and bought enough souvenirs to sink a battleship, I suggested that we should have a coffee. What better place to have a coffee and a piece of caramel slice than

Bondi Beach.

Afterwards, my colleagues left for Sydney Airport to head back to Europe. I returned to the city, had lunch with Paula and John,

two of our closest friends. Then, I headed back to the hotel and had dinner with my parents and someone who I haven't seen in about 4 years,

my brother Matt.

This is just one of the delights that we could serve ourselves from the Seafood Buffet dinner that my generous father treated us all to.

On the plate you can see lobster king prawns, oysters, smoked salmon, and of course, ms. mac's fave; balmain bugs.

Hope you had a great birthday my love. I certainly seemed to make the best of not being with you to celebrate it *feels dead guilty*.

Miss you Stella. Love ya heaps xxxx

Happy Birthday Baby

2005-05-20T00:52:00.000+02:00

Today is the auspicious occasion of this beautiful creature's birthday.

Get over to her place and give it up. She deserves the birthday love.

Hapy birthday beautiful. I love you
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